Nationals Inquisition

The NQ will be on holiday from July 3rd to July 13th. We will be traveling to Detroit, Cleveland, and Columbus for a bit of R&R and baseball. Postings will be few and in between due to the land being rugged, infested by savages, and only the good Lord knows if we will be able to connect to the Internet during this time. But we will try for you, the readers. We know some of you use the NQ as some form of cyber-crack and we are all about giving into addictions.

Games we will be seeing in that span of time: Detroit vs. Cleveland (in Detroit), Cleveland vs. Tampa Bay (in Cleveland), and the Columbus Clippers vs. Scranton/WB Red Barons [Yanks AAA] (in Columbus). There will be a report about the Columbus game upon our return or when get an Internet signal.

So remember NQers: SAY YOUR PRAYERS, EAT YOUR VITAMINS! BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, TRUE TO YOUR COUNTRY, BE A REAL AMERICAN! WATCH THE NATIONALS, CHEER THE NATIONALS, DO NOTHING BUT THE NATIONALS BECAUSE EVERY OTHER TEAM IS PISS! OOoooo YEAH!!!!

See you soon.

Newly minted Nationals starting pitcher Collin Balester looks like Jeff Faley from 1992’s film The Lawnmower Man. This isn’t a bad thing because that movie was awesome and is completely underrated. So the NQ dubs Collin Balester with his gangsta name: The Lawnmower Man.

And like a real lawnmower man, he shredded the Fish in five innings only giving up one hit, with one earned run, three walks, and three strike outs in receiving his first major league win in his major league debut as the Nats crush the Marlins 9-6.

“He’s got good stuff, it’s just a matter of him harnessing it a little bit,” said Paul Lo Duca, who finished the night 2-for-4 and was behind the plate mostly to ease Balester through his first start. “He’s got an electric fastball and an electric curveball, and he’s going to be a good pitcher for a long time.

That’s great to hear, especially from TOAST who has had more Playboy Playmates and probably more car batteries clamped to his nipples than I will ever have. He in essence, is the very definition of “electric.”

The Nationals offense cleaned up with a Ronnie Belliard grand slam, the second of his career. Nine runs would give any team a comfortable lead, but not the Washington Nationals. The bullpen once again started to implode allowing the Marlins to get back in the game twice. Then in the ninth a similar situation arose for Jon Rauch like the other night when he allowed a walk-off homerun, however, the Big Wookiee returned to form and got out of it for his 17th save.

Other than Roger Bernadina, the top of the Nats line-up has slowly come to life. Guzman and Dukes are ripping it up, Belliard is hitting well, and even Young somehow fits himself onto the base paths. These four guys have really turned it up and since doing so, this team has not become an easy pushover. Now if they can just get the bullpen to make itself a little more formidable, this team would be in decent shape going into the second half.

Yes, that is a hint of optimism you hear in my words. It is like a nuclear blast going off and in the middle of the devastation remains a small bit of invaluable, fragile, life that can be easily crushed underfoot. I know you think I am talking about a rose or something, I am not. I am more thinking like a cockroach, those little bastards that can survive anything. Don’t mess with my cockroach optimism because with all the radiation in the air it could grow three heads and a set of teeth and maul you if your not careful.

051108_34, originally uploaded by Snickers123006.

Get it? Flounder? Fish? Flounder? God, seafood gives me the craps real bad sometimes.

It certainly did last night. Lord, that was a tough game to watch and lose. The Nats fall to the Florida Marlins 6-5 in ten innings. It was especially rough because the Nats had the Fish nailed down at least twice, but Jon Rauch blew the save by giving up a home run in the ninth and then again in the tenth. Very unWookiee-like.

“One of those things about my job is if I come in, it generally costs us ballgames, and that’s what happened tonight,” said Rauch, who entered the game having a stellar year, going 4-1 with a 2.18 ERA and a career-high 16 saves. “[I have to] forget about it. I can’t do anything about it now. I can’t take those pitches back. I could make better pitches tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after.

“That’s all I’m worried about.”

I believe you can read that in at least three different ways, but the NQ will settle on the one that makes the Nats look good.

The Nats are now 1-9 against the Fish this season. They still have yet to unravel the mystery of the trout. It has to be aggravating because the Nats are getting demolished by a team in worse condition than they are. No one goes to Marlin games, the state of Florida hardly wants the team, their owner is a crook, and half of the players on the team currently know they won’t be on the team this time next year.

The Nats should be going Ahab on these whales. Manny Acta needs to get this team in the longboats and go out there and harpoon Fredi Gonzalez tonight!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Writer Alden Gonzalez from MLB.com completely fluked the Rauch quote above. Chico Harlen from the Washington Post picks it up and delivers the real quote here.

Nationals.com delivers the crappy news that reliever Chad Cordero, closing God, is out for the season. Cordero will be having season ending surgery on his torn right labrum. His recovery and rehab will total 12 to 18 months.

Fortunately the Nats have Jon Rauch serving as closer and he is 4-1 with a 2.18 ERA and a career-high 16 saves this season. Still, the Nats bullpen will feel the effects of the loss of The Chief and be without yet another pitcher to take off some of the strain.

This sucks. The only positive we can get from this is the knowledge that Cordero isn’t an Alpine Salamander. I heard those little rascals stay pregnant for 38 months.

Ouch.

Atlanta Braves at Washington Nationals - April 30, 2008, originally uploaded by spugbrap.

Caption, caption time. Read ours or come up with your own.

“Due to lack of funds, the Nationals had to green screen Austin Kearns into the outfield…”

“SIGN: Nationals, Show Me Your Boobies!”

“This color is slightly off from the Nats Park green I want my living room to be.”

“SIGN: BEER! NOW!”

“This portion of the field is under blackout restrictions by MLB.com.”

“If I can reflect the sun off into Teixeira’s eyes, maybe I can Green him to death.”

“SIGN: Scratch-And-Sniff this sign! It smells like Irish Spring!

Whoa, how did the NQ miss this bit of news? Teddy won a race? The staff will be thoroughly flogged tonight for not mentioning this by God!

Well, actually he won an “unsanctioned race” between him and the Orioles Bird last night (Saturday the 28th). The other Presidents took the night off apparently or were too busy munching Five Guys burgers. Actually, I will let the blog Presidents Race: Let Teddy Win! give you the full scoop; they even have videos of the historic event. Nats fans if you haven’t stumbled on this jewel of a blog, stumble now. It’s a fun, in-depth review of all the Presidents Races that take place at Nationals Park. It is run by a season ticket holder who might be a little more than crazy obsessed with this Nats tradition, but that is okay. At the NQ we condone craziness, in fact, we encourage it.

The NQ loves Teddy, although we are partial to Abe ourselves. Right now Abe leads in 2008 wins with 23 wins with George and Jefferson tied at 10. Teddy in official races has zero.

No one can catch Time Lincoln, no one!

Walk Off Home Run, originally uploaded by Scott Ableman.

I didn’t know what was more terrible: sitting in a woman’s clothing store while watching my wife shop or sitting on an iPhone getting game updates that had the Nationals losing to the Baltimore Orioles 2-1 in the bottom of the 12th. It was crushing, I couldn’t handle myself, I needed to escape.

However, moments later, after a Ronnie Belliard two-run walk off homer and a 3-2 Nats victory, I bought my wife all she desired. I’m a man of simple tastes. I know what I want and I want the Nationals to win.

And win they did. “Beachball” Bergmann pitched a hell of a game and the offense came through at the most dire moment to seal the win and take the series from Crab City. It’s games like these that almost make you forget the team is 33-50 and dead last in the NL East. These walk-off wins are exciting but so bad for the heart.

I’m glad the Nats didn’t lose to Baltimore. Losing to Baltimore makes you feel like you contracted gonorrhea or something.

HOLY CALL-UPS, BATMAN!!!

Rotoworld.com says the Nationals have called up outfielder Roger Bernadina to replace the groin sore Lastings Milledge. Bernadina hit .325 with five home runs, 38 RBIs, 11 doubles, 7 triples, and 26 stolen bases in AA Harrisburg.

The Nationals have also told starter Collin Balester to skip his next start in AAA Columbus because he is going to be making his Major League debut on Tuesday against the Marlins. The highly regarded Balester is 9-3 with a 4.00 with the Clippers. Balester replaces the once again injured Shawn Hill (not my appendix).

Don’t expect Bernadina to be up in the Bigs for long. He will probably be sent back down as soon as Austin Kearns is ready to go unless Bernadina really impresses and he perhaps earns a bench role, but that is doubtful. The kid needs to keep playing and the bench isn’t the place to do that. Balester, on the other hand, has an opportunity to shine as he will no doubt be up with the Nats longer due to the fact Shawn Hill can never stay healthy. If he can continue to pitch well and impress, he can solidify a spot for the rest of the year and beyond. All eyes are on him.

It’s sort of exciting. You feel good for these kids. They have an opportunity now and you want them to reach out and take it.

Remember Augustus Gloop? He reached out and took his opportunity and look where it got him. The Chocolate Factory!

Milledge Strikes Out to End the Game, originally uploaded by Scott Ableman.

The Baltimore Orioles gave the Nats a 9-1 kick to the groin last night. The Heartbreak Kid John Lannan had a bad outing, giving up seven runs, four earned. Lastings Milledge got the only RBI of the game for the Nats.

Lastings also got something else, last night. He pulled “the boys” if you know what I mean which got him a trip to the 15 Day DL. The groin pull came as Milledge chased an Alex Cintron triple to the wall. Wow, that guy can actually hit triples?

“If you look at the tape, I got caught picking it up,” Milledge said. “I got caught, I dropped the ball, and then picked it up and threw it, and it was pulled.”

Come on Lastings, you can make a rap song with bad language and horrible stereotypes, but you can’t say the word “groin?” Milledge’s absence will hurt the Nats as Milledge was leading the team in RBIs and “Thrilledge.”

Another starter goes down. I remember in middle school we were playing flag football and some poor kid got his balls all twisted around. I’ve never seen someone in such pain. The worst part of this was the fact it was “flag football” and the only way the injury could of happened is someone had to have missed the flag and pulled “it.” We never found out who the ballgrabber was and since that day I’ve always been cautious in locker room situations.

You’d think having Milledge go down would finally make the Nats spring into action and make some call ups, but no, it’s the same old—

Wait a minute….

Kory Casto, originally uploaded by 1yen.

Felipe Lopez told the Washington Times he isn’t bothered by trade rumors involving him and the Baltimore Orioles. But he is bothered by something else:

The Washington Nationals infielder was far more miffed at the fact he wasn’t in the starting lineup for the fourth time in five games.

“Believe me, it’s funny that people are interested. It explains a lot about what’s been going on the past three days or whatever,” he said. “There’s no communication. I find out things over the media. Whatever.”

I find it funny too since Lopez’s production has been shaky since last year and his attitude has grown increasingly vile. In fact, I find it almost to be a Godsend that a team is interested.

Informed before Friday’s game about the trade rumor, Lopez said he “wouldn’t care at all” if he was dealt. His bigger issue was the fact he was taken out of the lineup this week after hitting .359 over an 11-game stretch without an explanation.

“Of course I’m a little bothered,” he said. “Coming off a great road trip, I went up like 30 points, playing great, and then to come here and all of a sudden just not play, it’s kind of like: ‘What the [heck's] going on?’ If you want to send a message, that’s where the lack of communication comes from. That’s what I’m talking about. If something’s bothering you, then say it. This is like a kid, treating me like a kid, or like punishment or something for I don’t know what.”

Something is bothering me, Lopez. I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m pregnant.

No, not really, but I’ve always wanted to pull a General Hospital-like moment.

It is time that the Nats part ways with Felipe before he shows us anymore of his maturity when airing out the laundry to the media.

Editor’s Note: The original name of the picture above was indeed titled Kory Casto. If only it was…