Nationals Go Out of 2008 With A Blomp

I guess my pep talk earlier really didn’t work for the team.

The Nationals, fielding probably the worst line-up in the history of all sport, got less than stellar results and dropped their final game of the 2008 season to the Phillies 8-3. The Nationals finish 08′ with a record of 59-102, a record that is going to make most Nat fans drink like fish for the next few months.

(Upon saying this, someone made me a Whiskey Sour and I spent the next three hours completely pickled and eating lamb and chocolate cake. Pardon any spelling mistakes.)

The positive to such a record is that it earned them the title of the “Worst Team in the MLB” and therefore the #1 overall draft pick in 2009. Okay, so maybe right now that isn’t exactly a feel good trade off, but it hopefully one day will and it’s something.

Several coaches were fired tonight, but I iwll get to that in the morning. Right now, the Whiskey sours are working on me.

Never bolgo dronk. Tat’s my motto.

One More Time

Off to the Park, originally uploaded by M.V. Jantzen.

The Nats couldn’t prevent the Philadelphia Phillies from claiming the NL East Pennant this weekend as the Phillies beat the Nats 8-4 on Friday and then beat the Nats 4-3 yesterday. It was like a surfer running across the sand towards a tidal wave, knowing he or she won’t be coming back.

As a baseball fan, that has to be the worst feeling knowing that no matter what your chosen team does, you know they aren’t going to win the game and there is nothing you can do to help or stop it. It is at this point you realize you are nothing, but a spectator. Your cheers, your clapping, your singing equal nothing, but silence. You buying the best seats, food, or merchandise mean nothing. Decking yourself head to toe in team colors, putting team history to heart, and religiously reading every article, message board, and blog (except this one) all seems like a waste of time.

Then you have the media jumping on the team like a pack of rabid jackals for poor performance and looking to doom the organization. Just take a look at this Thomas Boswell article at the Washington Post (which the Times totally scooped him on) and this piece from some guy named Matt Swenson at the Post Express. What is the Post Express and even a better question is who is Matt Swenson?

This all sort of sums up the Washington Nationals 2008 campaign. Disappointment, anger, suicidal thoughts, and just a general “what the hell am I doing here?” questioning.

But you know, what? You did it. You still did it all and did it for a last place team that hasn’t had anything to play for since the fifth game of the season. While many might say that is retarded or a huge waste of time, they are wrong. You are a god damned Washington Nationals fan, through and through. While the team is going through a rough patch in it’s short history and it seems everyone in the world is laughing at them and pointing fingers, you have stuck by this team.

It is at this point you realize you are a part of this game and a part of this team. Your cheers, your clapping, your singing equal everything. You buying the best seats, food, or merchandise show your loyalty. Decking yourself head to toe in team colors, putting team history to heart, and religiously reading every article, message board, and blog (especially this one) announces to the world your pride.

YOU are a Washington National fan, part of the best damn fanbase in the world and you are needed, just one more time this season as the Washington Nationals close out their 2008 season in Philly at 1:35pm.

I have my Nats cap on. Do you?

(Sorry, I’m not one for team-building soapbox speeches. I did my best and hope you enjoy.)

There Was A Leak In The Roof

Rained out at the Nationals, originally uploaded by cityflickr.

The final home game of the Washington Nationals 2008 season against the Florida Marlins was rained out last night due to a big hole in the roof of the stadium. That hole, known as the sky, opened up with continuous rain and after two hours, the game was called. There will be no makeup date.

The Nationals finish their inaugural season in Nationals Park 34-46 with an estimated 2,491,772 fans passing through the gates. The Nationals are 13th in National League attendance. They are currently last in the NL East and second to last in all the MLB.

“The fans cared all year. They would be with us throughout our struggles and our down times,” pitcher Tim Redding said. “No matter how good or bad a season is, we are really nothing without our support systems. The fans came night in and night out.”

Just smile and nod… just smile and nod.

Tim Redding Feels Comfortable

Tim Redding on the mound, originally uploaded by meri_rose.

Starter Tim Redding is arbitration eligible this year and his fate with the Nats remains undetermined, but the pitcher who was once compared to Roy Oswalt says he would like, no, HE KNOWS, he wants to stay in DC uniform.

“I made it public with the people that needed to know that this is where I’m comfortable,” Redding said. “This team is going in the right direction. I think we are going to be good next year, and we have the pieces that we need.”

Tim Redding feels so comfortable in fact, that he didn’t seem to break a sweat last night as he lasted only 2 2/3 innings giving up seven runs on seven hits in the Nats 9-4 loss to the Marlins. Throw in a wild pitch and a hit batter and you have all the makings of someone who oozes comfort.

“I never had a chance to use all of my pitches,” Redding said. “The Marlins are a fastball-hitting team. We have known this all year. No matter how big your ego is, sometimes you have to take your medicine and try to use your other pitches. I just felt too strong and too good with my fastball warming up.”

Not only is Redding the perfect spokesperson for Lazy-Boy Reclining chairs he also seems to be chock full of wisdom. Hmmm, let’s see, a fastball hitting team, they only know how to hit fastballs, if you throw a fastball, it most likely is going to get hit. So what do you do according to Redding? Forget about breaking pitches and throw fastballs.

Oh my God, that makes perfect sense…I think. Am I missing something here? Please write in and tell me if I am. It’s been an unusual morning.

But isn’t it comforting to know players like Tim Redding want to stay here for the 2009 season?

The thought makes me want to hide under my bed.

Martis Gets The Pie

Splenda Chocolate Cream Pie, originally uploaded by grand grrl.

I was watching Conan The Barbarian last night while keeping watch on the game via computer and noticed that Shairon Martis’ performance last night sort of mirrored that of the big ole’ sword-slashing Cimmerian. Martis started off slow, disaster struck, but then he rebounded, fought, and earned a great victory and the respect of his teammates by getting a pie in the face.

Conan was a shrimp who watched his parents murdered by a Snake Man who then grew up to be a thief and fight giant snakes until he saved an empire. He then had his way with any woman he desired. And he chopped off heads. Okay, so the parallels aren’t so clear, but I promise you they are there. Just take my word for it.

Shairon Martis pitched 5 2/3 innings giving up only three runs to help the Nationals beat the Florida Marlins 9-4. The Nats officially eliminated the Marlins from any hope of a Wild Card spot. That’s right Fish, the Nats WILL END YOU!!!

Ryan Zimmerman had a two-run dingy that when you watch the replay shows the ball being acquired by a guy who looks like an overweight Jose Guillen. After the game, Collin Balester and Wil Nieves provided some post-game desserts:

“…Martis was doing an interview with sideline reporter Debbi Taylor when teammates Collin Balester and Wil Nieves hit him with a shaving cream pie in the face. It was their way to celebrate Martis’ first win. Nieves remembered he received shaving cream in his face after his first walk-off home run against the Cubs on April 25.

“Ah, they got me pretty good — I didn’t see that coming,” Martis said. “I didn’t see anybody. They just put shaving cream in my face.”

You smell that, Martis? You know what that smell is? That’s the Barbasol of Victory, brother. Congratulations.

To close, Conan had the greatest quote ever that I think the Nats should paint somewhere on the clubhouse walls. Hit it, Conan:

” [What is best in life is] To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.”

Things Could Have Gone Better

Tim Redding, originally uploaded by What’s Her Name.

The Nationals lost to Team Choke East and Johan Santana last night 7-2. Tim Redding once again just couldn’t get it going on the mound and gave up five runs (four earned) while Manny Acta stood there and gawked as if he met God or something in the form of Johan:

“[Santana] made good pitches when he had to,” manager Manny Acta said. “He has great command of three pitches and one of the best changeups in the game. He had command of three of them tonight. We just couldn’t do much against him.”

Wipe the brown off your nose, Manny. We don’t want to hear uplifting excuses about the other team. Santana is just another pitcher to have to beat. He has more than proven this season he isn’t what all he was cracked up to be. Unfortunately, so were the Nats.

Jason “Beachball” Bergmann surrendered two runs in his relief appearance. He isn’t working out too well currently. This might be the end.

Team Choke East won. So what. The baseball world still find them and their fans to be a bunch of assholes while the Nats…..are the Washington Nationals.

And even though their players can’t stay healthy (like Elijah Dukes) and we don’t necessarily come out all the time to watch the team take a dump on the new field at Nats Park (article on bad attendance and revenue numbers), we still love them.

It’s usually a one-sided relationship so thank God a Nats fan’s confidence is so low or they couldn’t abuse us like they do.

Can’t Winnem’ All

So much work to be done today, so many stories. Sometimes I wish I had another writer, but then I remember I would have to share the profits of this site with them too. Everyone I know wants half of my zero. Vultures.

Let’s get to it.

One of the most valuable lessons the Nats learned this season is, “You can’t win them all.” Every loss this season is like a dagger into their hearts, damaging their minds, and has left them wondering, “What am I doing here?” Fortunately, according to my file, they haven’t done too much losing this seas…oops, the file was turned around. Oh, poo.

A Nats rally fell short last night as they also fell to Team Choke East, 9-7.

Pitcher Shairon Martis couldn’t replicate his prior pitching performances and fell behind early in the game giving up two home runs and other than Garrett Mock (pictured), the bullpen didn’t fair well either.

One thing other teams are learning about the Nats is if you want to beat them, throw out onto the mound any half-ass, minor league pitcher you can find. The Nats won’t be able to hit them. You could have the pitcher kick the ball at the plate and Nats would still strike out or make bad contact. Who is Brandon Knight? I don’t know. I doubt really anyone knows. Team Choke East probably found him hanging with Rack’em Rack Willie drinking vodka in some alleyway outside Shea Stadium.

It was a tough loss last night and it puts a damper on playing the spoiler, sort of, but it is a lesson learned. The Nats need to learn to be more humble anyways. They can’t let their heads get too big with all this winning. Too much Nats winning is bad for the liver. And ESPN.

Ah, screw my liver and ESPN. Rock’em tonight Nats!

When Your Down, Beat the Mets

Odalis Perez, originally uploaded by espngirl87.

I’m going to give you three guesses in the form of three thread titles from the Official Team Choke East Message Boards as to what the outcome of tonight’s Nationals game was:

a disgraceful effort from a broken team

I’m tired of this pu$$y Wright

What the **** is wrong with these pathetic losers??

Yep, you guessed it. It’s just another day in the life of a New York fan. Oh, and the Washington Nationals gave the finger to the Mets and played spoiler again. That one finger represented the score as well. Nats shutout Team Choke East, 1-0. Ha, ha Team Choke East sucks! The Choke is most definitely on!

Odalis Perez pitched his best game of the season going 7 1/3 innings giving up only four hits, had six strike outs, and no walks. He also was the lone run as he was hit in by Cristian Guzman who hit a ground rule double RBI in the 5th.

The Phillies won their game tonight so Team Choke East falls out of first in the NL East. Deja vu circa 2007.

I have a confession to make: It’s almost midnight, I am exhausted, and I really haven’t got the creative energy to deliver a joke or punchline tonight. So I will just leave you by saying Team Choke East chokes, the Nats rule, and to fall back on a classic, favorite that always gets laughs:

Penis.

And Pleasure Washes Over Us All

There is probably no greater pleasure in Washington Nationals baseball than beating Team Choke East. Every loss this over-hyped, overrated, senior citizen team takes against the Nats tends to drive them and especially their cocky fans into a hysteric frenzy. Let’s take a gander over at the Team Choke East Message Board, shall we? Yep, they are in full meltdown mode. You can tell by thread titles like:

It’s Official! We’re Chokig!!!

Nats have some real ni.**.er.s on their team

Phillies can have the division

A GRANDSLAM AND I WILL EAT MY OWN SH!T!!!

Absolutely repulsive. Going on that board to even just look at it makes you feel like you’ve just watched a dog and a pig having sex. Revolting, but worth a good laugh or two.

You can thank John “The Heartbreak Kid” Lannan. The Nationals defeated Team Choke East tonight by the score of 7-2. Ha, ha, Team Choke East sucks! The choke is on!

Lannan gave up only one run on one hit in seven innings of work. Fantastic pitching job. Elijah Dukes added a three-run home run to his 08′ portfolio to help put the game out of reach. The Nats broke their five game losing streak while Team Choke East now is only a half-game ahead of the Phillies.

Pedro “Headhunter” Martinez was on the mound tonight and he got proper slapped. It just goes to show you that even if Team Choke East does make it into the playoffs, they won’t be going anywhere. It seems like such a waste.

I DEMAND OMAR’S HEAD ON A PLATTER!!!

Aaaa ha, ha, ha! Okay, maybe not so much a waste.

I Don’t Know If I Should Laugh Or Cry

Collin “Lawnmower Man” Balester carried a no-hitter into the sixth inning during today’s game against the Florida Marlins and when he exited for the dugout the score was in the Nationals favor 6-1. If this was any other baseball team, the game was sealed and the Nats could gush on their young starter.

Unfortunately, this isn’t any other baseball team. This is the 2008 Washington Nationals.

During the eighth inning, all hell broke loose. In an effort not to vomit all over myself going over it, I’ll let the Nationals Journal take over here and tell you what happened:

Twice earlier this year Washington has allowed more runs in an inning. (Eight is the season high, Aug. 13 against the Mets and May 23 against the Phillies) But never has an inning been more costly. Against Florida, a 6-1 lead collapsed into an 8-6 deficit. Four relievers appeared in the inning. They threw 51 pitches. They walked four. Those who watched comeback saw seven runs, five hits and two fielding errors — including a no-look pass from Joel Hanrahan, who threw to first base when nobody was covering at the bag.

The Nats ended up losing the game 8-7. Let me rephrase that: the bullpen ended up losing the game 8-7. Joel Hanrahan certainly knows what I am talking about.

“It’s tough,” Hanrahan said. “Our guys went out there, hit the ball well — [Balester] took a no-hitter into the sixth — and we let them down.

And Manny Acta…

“Not pretty” is how manager Manny Acta described it after the game. “We’ve had a few bad innings … but this one was pretty bad.”

Well, Holy star over Bethlehem! Hand Hanrahan and Acta some frankincense and mirth because truly, no wiser words have been said all season! The bullpen needs to be absolutely destroyed this off season. Manning needs to be sent back to the minors, a new closer needs to be found because Hanrahan is not fitting the bill, and just a complete overhaul needs to be done. Crap like what happened this afternoon is just unacceptable.

Balester should be allowed to kick each reliever in the bullpen in the ass for dropping this game like they did after all he did. Spikes and all, just boot them in the fatty part of the cheek.

Oh, Chad Cordero, where art thou?