Meanwhile, In Japan Nyjer Morgan Hasn’t Pooped In A Bottle Yet

Ex-Nationals outfielder Nyjer Morgan is over in Japan right now playing for the Yokohama BayStars who apparently are one of those teams who have an illustrious history of winning but over the past decade or so they have been mired in a decline. If you need anymore evidence, they pay Nyjer Morgan a stipend.

Here is a near eight minute highlight reel of one of the Baystar’s games against the Dragons. The first 3:50 of the video captures the beauty of Morgan’s inability to play the game right by showing off a couple of his strike outs, f**k ups and sloppiness he displayed after the honeymoon with each of the MLB teams he was on. But then he starts hitting the ball, scoring and making scoring opportunities before finally making a dumb luck catch in an outfield full of circus clowns. The Baystars won the day.

But let’s forget about Morgan. Do you hear that atmosphere in the background? That is absolutely incredible and it isn’t even a playoff game.

Japan really has some kick ass stuff like swords, women with bubble eyes, poop videos and awesome baseball crowds.

What Can I Say? A John Lannan Meme

I almost titled this post “The “P” on John Lannan’s Philadelphia Phillies Hat Will Stand For Penis,” but I made the editorial decision not to call it that. Not because of the word “penis” because the word penis will always have a home on this blog, but I figured it was the first posting here in a long time and we maybe wanted to ease back into it.

Baby steps.

Dmitri Young Goes Hollywood

We made a brief mention of this on Twitter on Wednesday and then thought nothing of it, but then I thought about it again and now I wish I hadn’t because I subjected myself to a horrible movie trailer.

The film is “Home Run Showdown,” a sickening sweet tale of a bunch of misfit kids and their rough around the edges chosen coach who doesn’t give a damn at first (is this sounding a tad familiar?) that his team sucks while competing in something called the Home Run Showdown. Then of course a bet is made with a rival coach, the team comes back from the brink, the kids and coach find the meaning of teamwork, friendship and sportsmanship with some humor sprinkled in to make it fun for the whole family, blah, blah blah. It stars Matthew Lillard (Scream killer) and Dean Cain (Superman) which in itself should tell you this film is a dud on arrival.

However, several former MLB players make cameo appearances including former Washington Nationals first baseman Dmitri Young who is shown in the still from the trailer above looking like some squinty-eyed pirate who is about to take a kid back to his odd looking van in the parking lot behind a school. Here is the trailer itself:

There is no way I am ever watching this. It is an obvious “Bad News Bears” rip off and it looks terrible. On top of it all, they couldn’t even spell Young’s name right in the trailer itself. FAIL. But I know there is a small contingent of Washington fans who still hold Fatty McFatt in high esteem (although I have no reason why) so I researched and posted this for their pleasure. That is what I am here for.

Blogged for your pleasure.

Going Into Cardiac Arrest: Chad Cordero Scheduled To Throw First Pitch July 20th

I haven’t given any props to a member of our peers recently so I will give credit to the District Sports Page on this one considering it was the first place I read it.

The District Sports Page writes that former Nationals closer Chad “The Chief” Cordero is scheduled to throw out the first pitch of the July 20th game against the Atlanta Braves at Nationals Park.

Cordero is a D.C. legend. He was an All-Star closer for the Nationals who between 2005–2007 recorded 113 saves including a Major League leading 47 saves in 2005. He was a scholar and a gentleman, an instant fan favorite who gave a whole new meaning to wearing your ballcap “flat-brimmed.” DSP was polite about it and said Cordero was “unceremoniously non-tendered by former GM Jim Bowden following the 2008 season after a year of injury” but we think it is safe to say that Cordero was completely f**ked over and embarrassed by Leatherpants who liked to spread the laundry and gossip through the media before talking to his own players.

Cordero attempted to catch on with the Seattle Mariners in 2010 and then the New York Mets and Toronto Blue Jays but the tragic loss of his daughter and the hardships of being on the road away from the healing effects of his family caused him to retire from baseball in 2011.

But you know this already. You’ll find few Nationals fans who don’t hold Cordero in the highest esteem and who don’t think he should be a part of the Washington organization in someway. Perhaps this is the first step. Cordero himself says he’d like to get back on the horse, play some Winter ball and perhaps hitch a ride with a team in the next year or so. Could we see the Chief in a crisp new Curly W Nats uniform coming out of the bullpen in Nationals Park in the future?

The fanboy in me would love that. In fact I am imagining it now and I– now I’ve got to go change my pants.

Livan Hernandez Is Sort Of A Dick

Deadspin.com had a great catch this morning of former Nationals starter Livan Hernandez (now with the Atlanta Braves) being a total dick to a Tampa Bay Ray ball boy. So what that means is the title of this post should be “Livan Hernandez Is A Dick” and not “Sort Of A Dick.”

The video is at the bottom of the Deadspin article, but for those of you allergic to online videos, basically during a Braves/Rays game last night a foul ball was hit down the left field line. The Rays ball boy went down on his knee to field the scorched shot, but he ended up blowing it. So he just humiliated himself in front of the 200 people who actually paid to watch this game and the 24 people watching at home. To make matters worse, as he walked down the line to retrieve the ball (and his pride) the Braves bullpen sitting nearby exploded laughing and taunting. The worst came from Hernandez who was nearly screaming at the kid and showering him in sunflower seeds.

To Hernandez credit (little as it is) he held up his hand for a high five to the boy to show it was all in good fun– for the Braves pen. The boy totally left Hernandez hanging in a beautiful moment no words were said, but the body language was enough:

Livan Hernandez, you are such a dick.

Kudos to the ball boy for making Hernandez look like an absolute loser. That kid is our Hero of the Week!

Hernandez is a dick. He was a workhorse for D.C. but I never found the hanging out with drug dealers, being financially stupid and paying to smack another man’s balls charming. However, I have no doubt Hernandez will do something for the bat boy off the field to make up for it. He will either buy him a fruit basket, give the kid drugs or something cool like that that will suddenly once again endear him to the Nationals fan base and having everyone beg for him to be a pitching coach or something in Washington when he retires.

So don’t worry, Natstown. Carry on.

Dmitri Young Puts Comeback On Ice, Will Write Book And Help Kids Do Something

Former Washington Nationals first baseman (and swindler) Dmitri Young (hideous looking guy photobombing above) spent this past off season giving up the booze and cigars and losing 70 pounds of fatty in hopes of producing a Major League comeback. Well, no team was suckered into signing him so Young has returned to his post-career plans of writing a book, starting the Dmitri D. Young Foundation, hosting a bunch of baseball camps for kids and doing public speaking.

“I wanted to be a teacher growing up, as crazy as that sounds,” Young said. “I always wanted to show people how to do things that I knew how to do. I was always great in the clubhouse with younger players and helping them adjust to becoming a big league ballplayer. It’s always been part of my nature.”

I am willing to bet Elijah Dukes would have something to say about Young’s mentorship in the clubhouse. He’d probably say sweet things and buy Young a pie considering Dukes is in such a great place currently after stuffing his mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the police.

I applaud Meathook’s dedication to get back on the field and finally taking care of himself, but after he totally ripped the Nationals and Jim Bowden out of $10 million on a joke contract I am not surprised in the least no team took a chance on him. Oddly enough, I look forward to reading his book even though I have no idea what it is going to be about.

Will it be a fairy tale? A book about wizards or dragons? Maybe a cookbook?

I hope it has a lot of pictures.

Carlos Baerga Would Support Count Dracula If It Meant Statehood

Continuing to dive into the weird habits of former Washington Nationals players, this morning we are going to re-introduce you to Carlos Baerga and his hair. Or at least perhaps his baseball card which is one of the most bizarrely sexual and kind of disgusting cards we’ve ever seen.

Baerga played 93 games for the Nats in 2005 and has long since retired from baseball and became a broadcaster. Recently he put himself back in the news as probably the only Puerto Rican who is supporting GOP presidential possibility Rick Santorum. Santorum has been peddling his wares in Puerto Rico recently and Baerga has no doubt in his mind who he wants as President. Deadspin:

In a press release from the ex-Pennsylvania senator’s campaign, Baerga said he backs Santorum “because he is a Christian and has fought for the people of Puerto Rico for many years, and stands behind the people on the issue of statehood.”

 

“I am grateful to have played professional baseball in the United States, and I want all young people to have the same opportunity, and Puerto Rican statehood would make that possible,” Baerga’s statement continued.

Of course, Baerga makes no mention that Santorum supports Puerto Rican statehood only if Puerto Rico changes its official language to English so I am guessing Baerga has no problem crapping on his own country’s culture and history. A true man of the people.

Look, I’m not going to get into a political debate on this blog, but I do want to point out Baerga’s logic is somewhat odd. Plenty of people support PR statehood and almost everyone wants little Puerto Rican kids playing baseball, so did Baerga just latch on to the first person he could? I mean, Count Dracula was a Christian at one point right? So if Dracula came cruising over to PR on the Demeter and said, “Hey, I support your statehood. I want your children and virgins playing baseball– at night!” then Baerga’s logic would have him supporting the Count? I don’t know. I am just trying to think this through.

And yes, those are bananas. I didn’t have a Carlos Baerga photo because he was way before this blog’s time so I posted a photo of Rich The Mets Fan’s bananas that are growing on his Indiatlantic plantation.

Plus this whole story is sort of bananas as well, in my opinion.

Jerry Hairston Jr. Was Caught Blowing Balls Again

I am sure baseball players have an arsenal of scurvy cheats and short cuts they use to try to get the game to do something in their favor. I’m positive they do. It would be naive to think they didn’t. I’m sure they have some thrown together DIY handbook that they hide under the first step of the dugout steps or something and pull it out when they need a trick of the trade.

Jerry Hairston’s favorite cheat is perhaps ripped right out of that handbook.

On Thursday former Nationals benchman Jerry Hairston Jr. (now with Dodgers) was caught trying to “blow a ball foul” that was bunted down the line during a Spring Training game against the Royals. This is hilarious enough by itself (Deadspin has the video) if it wasn’t the first time Hairston Jr. tried to pull this stunt.

For avid Nats historians, you might remember back in April of 2011 in a game against the New York Mets, Hairston got caught dead bang doing the same thing in Nationals uniform. Just for your files: it didn’t work then and it didn’t Thursday. The guy sucks at blowing.

Which is sort of sad because Jerry Hairston Jr. is a blower. He is a chronic blower. He just can’t stop blowing. Mark my words, he will blow again. He blows. If he can’t blow, what else can he do?

(Photo from @KegsnEggs)

Brad Wilkerson Was Selected For The Hall– Of The College Sort

Former Nationals outfielder and “Face of the Franchise” Brad Wilkerson was selected Friday for the National College Baseball Hall of Fame. He is the first University of Florida (Da Gators) to be selected for the honor. Florida Today:

With 55 career home runs, the native of Owensboro, Ky., became the eighth player in SEC history to hit 50 or more. He also was the first player in NCAA history to hit 20 homers, steal 20 bases and win 10 games as a pitcher in the same season.

Wilkerson came over when the Montreal Expos moved to D.C. and was immediately pushed into the “Face” role for a city that had been baseball starved for 33 years. Wilkie was the first Washington player to take a pitch in 2005 and also was the first Washington National to hit a grand slam. He was traded in December 2005 in a deal for Alfonso Soriano.

Wilkerson wasn’t a huge impact player and he never put up the desired numbers for the Nationals, but he was exactly what the team and city needed at the time: a young, clean-faced rogue who was good with the fans and decent on the field.

Though I never have physically seen one, I hear they made “Got Wilkie?” shirts back in the day. Would love to have had one of those.

Would have complimented my Carlos Bagera “It’s A Toupee” shirt.