Nationals Inquisition

Reinstated Nationals starter Craig Stammen had something to prove last night. Stammen was sent down to the minors making room for Stephen Strasburg a few weeks ago and it didn’t really sit well with him. Last night, he basically wanted to tell the Atlanta Braves– and the Nats FO– to suck it.

And he did– but in a more appropriate way that didn’t include the words “suck” and “it.”

What was included was seven-innings of five hit ball, two earned runs and four strike outs to put Stammen back on the Nats map. A rare offensive blitz, highlighted by Ryan Zimmerman, Josh Willingham and a 4-for-4 performance from Alberto Gonzalez, also helped and ended the Nats five game skid into oblivion. The Nats beat the Braves 7-2.

“I had some things I needed to prove,” the 26-year-old [Stammen] said. “I had to get back to who I was and how I got to the big leagues.”

Go get’em, bad boy. Hopefully you heard the wake-up call. I hope the Nats offense did too, but when Nationals.com is referring to this win as “rare” then you can only have brief joy because rare means something that doesn’t happen often and the chances of it happening again anytime soon is slim. That is rare.

I don’t like rare tagged on anything except on my baseball cards and steak.

There has been much banter about the All-Star Game and whether or not Nationals starter Stephen Strasburg should be able to join the National League squad. Strasburg has had only five starts, but has already broken a couple records and captured the attention of pretty much anyone that isn’t watching the World Cup. However, some believe including him in this year’s All-Star Game would only cause bad feelings and be a bit unfair to other players. Braves Manager Zombie “Bobby” Cox shares such an opinion:

“I want to see him pitch in the All-Star Game,” Cox said. “But five starts, that’s probably not fair to the other guys who are right on the border of making it. It means a lot to them financially sometimes, with bonuses in there. I’d love to see him on [the National League team], but to the other guys who have had 15 starts, it’s probably not fair to knock one of them off that has the stats. But he’d be a good one.”

Of course, it is just one man’s opinion– no matter how wrong it is. Because let’s face it, there really is only one real answer to if he should make the team or not and the answer is a 100% yes he should based on the very essence of the All-Star Game itself which is to make sure the game is turned into the biggest circus of hypocriticalpotamus’ as possible.

Since when has the All-Star Game ever been about “fairness” and “stats?” Are they seriously trying to get us to swallow that after years of turning their heads at the ballot-stuffing abuse from drunken jackals on various bandwagons across the nation? The ASG has never been about fairness. It is a circus. A cash-whore. Does the MLB want Stephen Strasburg pitching in the 2010 ASG? Hell yes they do. It would only add more KA-PINGS and KAPOWS to the whole spectacle. It would be the monkey riding the horse.

Zombie Cox can get out of here with this fairness to players bullcrap. The war between Front Office and Players has been raging ever since the first ballplayer got paid for actually playing the game and there have been casualties on both sides. But fairness and “feelings” have never been good ammunition in the endless battle. The MLB is as seedy, corrupt and greedy as European futbol clubs except they are a lot more coy and conniving than any club from Manchester.

Saying the ASG is going to be fair to players by not including Strasburg is like Bud Selig saying they will get to the bottom of the steroid scandal as he leans Balco Bonds over a bench to give him his daily rear-end injection.

Include Strasburg in the 2010 All-Star Game. Stop feeding the Hypocriticalpotamus.

If only there was just 10 hours of Nats fail time…

The Nationals were shutout by the Atlanta Braves last night, 5-0, despite yet another wonderful pitching performance by Stephen Strasburg. The Burg went 6.1 innings giving up six hits and four runs (three earned) and striking out seven Choking Tribe members, but once again, thanks to the near worthless Nats offense and an error by Error Desmond in the seventh, Strasburg was tagged with the loss.

“I feel for him,” said Manager Jim Riggleman.

As does the NQ. As do all Nationals fans. The kid deserves better. WAY BETTER and unfortunately the current incarnation of the Washington Nationals isn’t supplying the proper amounts of Go-Juice.

“We’re going through a really tough time,” Riggleman said. “Character is getting tested, and our guys have to pass the test.”

Put some more change in the fail meter. Riggleman reminds me of the father from Calvin and Hobbes who was constantly telling Calvin that mowing the lawn, pulling weeds and canoeing in the rain “built character.” This team doesn’t need character, it needs wins. It has enough characters on it. Unfortunately these characters can’t come together to make a functional baseball team let alone a comic strip.

The absolute worst thing about all this is Atlanta fans actually believe, as one Braves-crackhead I’ve talked to said to me, that the Braves “ate Strasburg alive.” They actually believe this and are doing their usual goosestepping and jacking-off motions in the air. I don’t know if they noticed, but a ROOKIE held them down for nearly seven-innings, went toe-to-toe with their precious Tim Hudson and struck seven of their choke-artists out while only giving up three earned runs (and a defensive blunder helped that). I know few teams that wouldn’t take that and take it from a ROOKIE who faced a team for the first time. Live and rejoice in your delusions right now Atlanta because this kid is only going to get better and you’re stuck in the division with him. YOU. ARE. SCREWED.

But screwed only when his turn comes up in the rotation. The rest of the time, with how the team is going now, they’ll probably be the screwers and drill the Nats good like a coal miner drilling through a wall of butter.

The Nationals lost to the Baltimore Orioles last night, 4-3, completing the O’s sweep of the struggling, bungling Nationals who for the third consecutive game had the lead and then gave it up, sending them on a four game losing streak and sending fan’s hands into their faces in standard facepalm formations.

Seriously, the Orioles… they aren’t a good team. In fact, they are the worst team in baseball. They’ve earned the right to be called that. Everyone is calling them that so don’t feel bad if you do. Go on, say it: “The worst team in baseball.”

“I’m not going to call any team the worst team in baseball,” manager Jim Riggleman said. “Certainly, when you have leads and you give them up, that’s frustrating, but the loss itself is frustrating.”

Damn it, Jim. You’ve ruined my blog post! You and your silly sayings. The next thing you know you’ll start quoting ridiculous things like “the glass is half full” or something:

“I like the fact that the glass is half full. I like the fact that we scored runs early. We had a chance to win the ballgame, and we didn’t get blown out. It’s a small consolation. We had runners out there to be driven in. We got some of them in. We are going to have to get more in. We have to get [good] pitching performances. There are a lot of good things to draw from.”

It is official: Jim Riggleman hates the NQ– and his half-glass might also be filled with cheap whiskey. Riggs looks like a whiskey man.

D.C. is a big market with big market team dreams, so settling on small consolation prizes isn’t going to cut it. Just ask Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Redskins. The fact is, as with most Washington sports teams, the Nats have it down on paper. They look half-decent on a chart. But it isn’t translating to the actual game itself and frankly, they are just as baffled as the fans are on their current misfortunes.

“It’s very frustrating,” Dunn said “I know we have [a team] capable of winning. We are doing everything to lose right now and not to win. I don’t know what we need to do to fix that.”

Well, it certainly shouldn’t be that surprising. Aside from two pieces, the rotation is full of question marks and pitchers who wouldn’t be pitching on many Major League rosters at this point. They still don’t have a solid lead-off man, their outfield is full of maybes and maybe-nots, second base is the Bermuda Triangle, shortstop is a work-in-progress, the catcher position is shaky, the middle of the Nats line-up is either bang or blow and aside from Strasburg there isn’t really anyone to build a long term team around. Right now Zimmerman fans are screaming bloody murder and calling for my head, but seriously– he isn’t the best player to build a team around. While a great player and certainly one to keep a hold of, he really has never grabbed the bull by the horns and “inspired” the team to rise up out of the cesspool of defeat.

Really, the fear here is the team has “settled.” They are a lot better than the past two seasons, but as things have unfolded and proved: they aren’t good enough. What the team really needs is a shake-up of some kind. The rotation will get that with the return of Wang, Zimmermann, Marquis, Detwiler and Olsen. The line-up, ehh, is going to be a harder fix. Some trades and unloading need to be done and probably with players that have become fan favorites.

Sacrifices need to be made or I am going to Gorilla Glue my hand to my face.

The Wizard of Oz (1939), originally uploaded by twm1340.

This past week we had a storm come through the area that actually brought what is rumored to have been a funnel cloud with it. The mess was incredible. No power for 36 hours in some places, trees down on cars and houses, power lines criss-crossing like spiderwebs across streets– a complete mess. The NQ helped with the clean-up and we are tired, sore and covered in tree sap. A mess.

So it is unfortunate we come back to the Natosphere to find a different kind of mess and a different kind of blow. Just when you thought the Nats might right the ship, a tidal wave of pure sucktitude hits and drowns out any sort of good feeling or cheer. The team is on a three game losing streak and has returned to the double digits in games back from the division lead. That would be 11 games.

Being absolutely tired, I don’t have enough hot air to blow up the team’s butt to completely review every aspect of the fail boat that sailed into the DC/VA/MD area currently, but here are three quick thoughts/blurbs on the last three games.

LOSS vs. Kansas City 1-0 - Auntie Em would be so pissed. With Stephen Strasburg on the mound facing the MLB’s epic losers, you would think this would have been in the bag, but no. Stephen Strasburg strikes out nine Royals and gives up only one freaking run and still somehow collects the loss as the offense totally let him down. They might as well have come to the plate with no bat in their hands. Oh and Strasburg also collected his first big league hit and another record: most strike outs in the first four games of a Major League career. Good job, offense.

LOSS vs. Baltimore 7-6 - Nyjer Morgan surged. Seriously. He had a huge web-gem of a catch to rob the O’s a home run and went 4 for 5 with an RBI. No way, the Nats waste that performance, right? Big wrong. Four errors in the game including a bad throw from Guzman to Adam Dunn in the ninth did them and Morgan in. Oh, these silly Nats. Not since Laurel and Hardy has their been such a (tragic) comedy team.

LOSS vs. Baltimore 6-5 - I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad. The Nationals had a 5-0 lead and they blew it– like a tornado of suck. A wild pitch by Drew Storen gives the O’s the walk-off win. Words cannot describe it so that is why I can only pound my keyboard and come up with “htrbitfuibxvckbjxifd.”

When I was in college I used to hold a job as a waiter serving sandwiches and beer at a local eatery. When things got busy, too busy, we had a code word for when a waiter was struggling and needed help. We’d run into the kitchen and say, “John Doe is in the weeds!” Well, the Nats are officially “in the weeds” and the only ones who can clean it up is the Nats themselves.

At this point, I’d find more comfort in the arms of a flying monkey.

Indeed, that would be quite the sight to behold!

Thick rain filled the air and thunder boomed in the skies over Nationals Park last night, but such a delay means nothing to Thor the Thunder God, Son of Odin or otherwise known as Josh Willingham.

Willingham hit the 100th homerun of his career last night and helped the Nationals defeat the Kansas City Royals 4-3. Adam Dunn also had a homer while Ryan Zimmerman and Nyjer Morgan each had an RBI. Starter Luis Atilano came into the game not having won in his three previous starts, but he solved that as he pitched 5 1/3 innings, giving up one run on six hits and no walks. His time in the game was short due to the rain delay.

Closer Matt Capps made it a bit of a nail-biter by giving up two runs in the ninth-inning, but he was able to close it out. Capps is becoming a little too Chad Cordero-esque for our tastes, but you really can’t argue if he gets the job done. The Capper just doesn’t seem to have that solid confidence he had earlier in the season.

But, the Nats are guaranteed a series win against the Royals. At least we know this team can at least beat up on teams like the Royals and Pirates. As long as they play those teams 10 or 20 times a season, they should be in good shape. They are mere fodder to a Thunder God like Willingham. Hitting #100 is a special time in a man’s life like when he shoots his first deer or takes that first girl into a dark theater to “watch” Anaconda:

“When I hit it, I knew I had a good chance,” Willingham said. “It means a lot, and I’m sure it will mean more when I look back on my career and am done playing. You never set a goal to hit a number of home runs, but when you get to 100 or a number like that, it’s pretty cool.”

Is it really any doubt this guy would eventually hit 100 homeruns? Just look at those arms. Jesus. They look like something off a statue you find in Greece. Those arms are sponsored by our friend at Life is Better With Baseball who requested a photo of Willingham’s “trunk,” but I have yet to find one in my files.

Do you see what Zimmerman’s ass has started?

I came into NQ Headquarters this morning in a decent mood. I poured my usual cup of Joe, gave my staff some time in the Inquisitional Chair and sat down to check the Natosphere and e-mail. Usually the NQ e-mail is filled with reports, team PR, a picture of a donkey and sales people who are really concerned about my “size,” but this morning I received a wonderful e-mail from NQ reader and Nats fan, Becca.

Then my morning got really good.

Becca wrote the NQ telling us how much she enjoyed our little blog and how the Nationals have completely captured her heart– she totally sounds like our kind of girl. Sadly though, Becca is going to be moving from one Washington to another: she is leaving D.C. to attend school in Seattle, Washington. Total bummer.

However, before she prepares to leave, she graciously gave a small donation to the NQ’s Endless Spring Campaign and entered in a request: “…Please be sure to report….just one time….on Ryan Zimmerman’s ass. For the ladies.”

Well Becca, ladies… here you go.

It is the best I can do for now. Being a mountain man and never written about another man’s ass before, this is new territory for me so bare with me (no pun intended). I’m not totally sure where Zimmerman’s ass ranks on the List of All-Time Beautiful Asses, but I have to assume it is up there and he truly has an ass that delights. He has to work out. I’m just guessing that. One thing I know is, I am happy to see his ass is not defaced by that circle container of chew that some players feel obligated to keep in their back pockets during games. Former National Nick Johnson comes to mind.

So Becca and ladies, this post is for you. The NQ is here to please. Since there seems to be interest in this material, the NQ will revisit Zimmerman’s ass at a later time so keep checking back. Maybe the NQ will become the Official Zimmerman Ass Sighting Headquarters.

Thanks for writing in Becca and best of luck to you. Just remember to thank every Seattle Mariners fan you see. They basically handed D.C. Stephen Strasburg after all.

Shameless plug time: if you’d like to send the NQ to 2011 Spring Training to follow the team with our unique perspective, please donate using the special widget on the right side of this page or visit our Endless Spring Campaign page.

Print the t-shirts, it is finally over.

The Nationals six game losing streak, the worst of the 2010 campaign so far, finally came to end tonight as the Nats defeated the Kansas City Nationals Royals 2-1 at Nationals Park. Livan “Orville Redenbacher” Hernandez pitched seven innings of eight hit, one run, five strike out baseball while Michael Morse went deep in the second inning and Cristian Guzman gave the team a rare dinger that made the difference.

Thank God. There is nothing more draining than a losing streak– or drinking beer in the hot sun– or a succubus– okay, maybe there are more draining things out there. But the picture has been painted for you.

Adam Kilgore over at the Nationals Journal breaks the news that Nationals starter John Lannan is no longer Nationals starter John Lannan: he is now Harrisburg Senators starter John Lannan.

The two-time Opening Day starter was optioned to Double-A Harrisburg after going 0-3 with a 10.38 ERA while allowing 38 base runners in 13 innings in his last three starts. In his place, the Nationals have called up Triple-A Syracuse pitcher Joel Peralta who will be available to pitch as early as tonight. Lannan was sent to Harrisburg instead of Syracuse due to his relationship with Harrisburg pitching coach Randy Tomlin.

How embarrassing for Lannan. Once considered “the ace” of a Major League pitching rotation, he is now exiled to the cracker jack, carnival atmosphere of the minor leagues. It really is for the best because any Nats fan not binge drinking the kool aid could see he was struggling and is having a lot of issues. Of course, how much can you expect from a 4-5 pitcher?

Good luck, John. You are a good man. May you have a Roy Hobbs-like resurrection.

And be sure to sample the funnel cake.