Bryce Harper Does What All People Who Need To Grow Up Do: Bought His Mom A House

The Inquisition has to offer up a huge congratulations to Nationals prospect Bryce Harper for doing what all supposed douchebags and 19-year old kids who need to grow up do: before beginning his journey to Viera, FL and possibly a position on the Opening Day roster, Harper signed the papers buying his mother a house.

Truly, the kid needs to grow up, right? How selfish and immature. GM Mike Rizzo better put a leash on this puppy before he gets out of control and does something like, I don’t know–

Find the cure for cancer? Feed the hungry? Solve the country’s financial crisis?

Kudos, Harper. Kudos. If this is you being a douchebag then please– continue to douche away.

Twenty-Plus Nationals Resume Something Called Baseball Activity

Bear with me here as I am trying to get over a 24-hour stomach bug that pretty much has paralyzed my ass crack. I went to catch some Zs and when I woke up I felt like Rip Van Winkle. When I went to sleep all that was going on was the Yanks and Bucs finally pulled that boring A.J. Burnett trigger and the Iron Sheik was talking about killing dogs with his 10-inch cock. When I awoke, twenty-plus Nationals players were doing something, something odd.

If I didn’t know any better I’d say they were doing something pertaining to baseball activities.

Indeed, many Washington Nationals players have rolled into Viera and Space Coast Stadium over the last two days to begin that greatest of primitive baseball traditions: Spring Training. According to the Nationals Journal some of these players include Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard, Edwin Jackson, Jordan Zimmermann, Brad Lidge, Ian Desmond, Roger Bernadina, Chien-Ming Wang, Ross Detwiler and John Lannan. Pitcher Craig Stammen is also in the house somewhere.

Bryce Harper isn’t expected to arrive until Saturday sometime, Stephen Strasburg is on the West Coast to attend his jersey retirement with the San Diego Aztecs, but will be in route not long after that and Mark Teahen is ballsy by driving across the country with two dogs and a pregnant wife in tow.

My God, it is starting all over again! Another year, another season! Absolutely surreal. It is like I am stuck in some twisted Salvador Dali painting. Or maybe it is just the sickness. Ugh, worst time to catch the bug, but at least it is before the NQ heads down to Viera in about two weeks.

I’m sorry, I gotta check again–

Yeah, they are indeed doing baseball activities. Finally the days of combing Youtube for homemade player montages and debating facial hair are coming to end.

Let the real baseball begin.