MASN Just Put A Frat Party In My Pants

And it is a frat party that has been laced with ecstasy–

At the end of the 2011 season, when it was discovered that MASN would not be bringing back sideline reporter Debbi Taylor, the NQ grew concerned because we had no idea how MASN was going to replace such a great pair of legs and such deep questions like, “How does it feel to breath oxygen?” Well, we have the answer for you today.

MASN has brought in Kristina Akra to take over sideline duties and she will possibly debut Friday night with the help of Bob Carpenter and F.P. Santangelo. Akra brings a load of broadcasting experience as she was host of SEC Gridiron Live on Fox Sports South, sideline reporting for CoxSports and the Big East Network and hosted a webshow called Patriots Today.

She also brings boobs. Yes, boobs.

While I am sure MASN hired her for her reporting and journalistic experience, let’s be honest here: they hired her for eye candy too. They hired her so after every segment she is in men run to the bathroom afterwards.

We can have rampant debates about it and the place of women in the sports industry, but let’s cut the crap. When you hire a University of Florida alum that dresses like THIS, THIS and THIS, you know part of the reason why you are doing it.

I don’t say this to knockers– er, knock her. I am sure she is a professional, I am sure she is experienced and I am sure she will do her best. But let’s face it: if you are still even half a vibrant American male (or lady if that is your thing), Akra could have a voice and personality like someone trying to shove a dry corn cob up your ass and you would still happily watch her. I know I would.

Again that is not necessarily a bad thing. I am just being honest. I sort of have to be.

Because how else am I going to explain the tent pole in my pants the first time the NQ and Ms. Akra meet? Talk about embarrassing…

Nationals Finally Deliver The Bombs…Onto Jayson Werth’s Truck

Nationals manager Davey Johnson started playing his potential Opening Day starters (minus those many suffering from ailments currently) on Sunday’s Spring Training game against the Mets and good thing too. The Nationals snapped an 11-game ST losing streak by creaming New York 12-0.

Some guy named Stephen Strasburg pitched five innings of scoreless ball allowing only five hits, one walk and striking out five. A Nationals starter finally got backing from the offense as Ian Desmond, Roger Bernadina and Jayson Werth all went yard in the first inning off some poor sot named Matt Harvey.

Karma probably hit the biggest home run of the day. Werth’s shot was a two-run blast that left the stadium and then implanted itself in the hood of a truck– Jayson Werth’s truck. Don’t worry. Werth has the money to cover the damages.

So the Nats big, bad offense rears its big, beautiful head finally. Is it here to stay? I wouldn’t count on it. I have a feeling it is going to be like a Loch Ness Monster sighting. Eyewitnesses will see some strong movement in the water, maybe a hump or two and then it will disappear with the only evidence it ever happened is some fuzzy long distance video. It doesn’t help the Nats are using a cardboard cutout of an offense thanks to the injuries to Adam LaRoche, Michael Morse and Rick Ankiel.

I just can’t tell you how worrisome this offense is. Really, the stakes are high and it all teeters on the edge of a knife. The Nats and Mike Rizzo really are just depending on the same cast of characters from 2011 who couldn’t hit when they needed to and couldn’t push runs across the plate with a bulldozer. The same cast and they are expected to all of a sudden discover their stroke? They are expected to suddenly “get it?” That is a big risk. Scary stuff, especially considering if any other player goes down with serious injury they have little to no depth to fill the hole.

This team is so fragile. Every slide into a base, every crash into a wall and every strained look on Nats face is going to make me crap myself every time. I expect by season’s end I will have a whole new set of undergarments and spanx.

Thank God I am an Amazon Prime member.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Several of you have asked how I have been doing since our heart-to-heart the other day. Since writing that I have seen a herd of college girls wrapped in nothing but duct tape, one girl running to the bar in nothing but a bikini in the middle of Charlottesville and a Leprechaun.

I am doing great!

Want To Survive A 10-Kiloton Nuclear Blast? Just Catch A Game At Nats Park

While surfing the Washington Nationals Fan Forum I came across this posting from RL04 that I just had to share because it is just so freaking interesting.

According to the Federal Emergency Management Agency, if a 10-Kiloton nuclear device was detonated in the middle of Washington D.C. (16th and K Streets) then Nationals Park would be spared any major damage and your chances of survival are pretty damn good.

Hooray! Game on!

If you look in the bottom right corner of the image above you can see Nationals Park quite clearly right above GOOGLE. Basically the blast’s shock wave would probably blow out every window in Nats Park, kill the scoreboard, knock over the Racing Presidents and have every beer bottle in the park pop to shards, but other than that the structure as a whole should survive. The FEMA report (hefty reading) can be found HERE.

But don’t get too comfortable. Two things you would have to worry about in this situation: possible fallout from the blast and the fact there are bigger bombs out there than 10-Kilotons that would just obliterate everything, even Nationals Park. A 10-Kiloton device is something like a suitcase nuke or a fat lady from Total Recall. It is sort of the wussy bomb of big bombs.

Or to put a Nationals twist on it, it is the Wil Nieves of bombs compared to the other Michael Morses they have out there.

And Now For Something Completely Different…

Alright, I figure you are all honest with me, so I will be honest with you–

You might have noticed a lack of updates recently on the blog and that the hedges need to be trimmed and the cobwebs wiped off. My apologies to the six or seven people who actually read this blog daily. I don’t mean to leave you out in the cold. But, your old pal DangerNat has been going through some things since coming back from Viera and it has been hard to get on the blog lately. Spending time with family, new job, getting ready for several events coming up, being kind of tired of baseball…

Yeah. You heard right. Being tired of baseball. Already. It is odd. Usually Spring Training is the time I am going hot and I can’t get rid of the baseball bug, but for some reason I came back from Viera sort of dreading the huge marathon that is coming up. Literally, the season preview issue of Sports Illustrated is on my desk, untouched and sitting there looking like a black mamba. I have files piling up at headquarters on Nats stuff, but every time I reach out to grab one I feel like I am being Force choked by Darth Vader. My loyal staff of apes and degenerates continue to work tirelessly like worker bees who know that sooner or later a heavy wind is going to blow the hive right off the branch.

Let me tell you a blogging secret. Most bloggers will admit this is the truth if you corner them with pitchfork and torch: all blogger’s look forward to the day we can go back to being “just fans.” We look forward to the days of not bringing cameras, notepads, gadgets and gizmos to the Park and not having to be as observant as a hawk about everything around us in case a story breaks or something happens. I admit, we admit, it is tiring at times and sort of takes some of the fun out of the game.

But for whatever reasons be it some of us want to break into journalism, some of us want to make a name for ourselves, some of us thought this blogging thing might be fun or we just wanted to drink and blog– we blog. We blog for you, we blog for us, we blog for our team.

I’ve been questioning my reasons lately and I’ve been taking a look at the blog to see if it has stayed true to itself from its original origins nearly over five years ago. To be honest, it sort of strayed. I started this blog as a reason to grab some brew and just talk baseball like a fan. Overtime it sort of turned into a whole new beast where I felt if it didn’t have fresh daily content, I felt I’d let my avid seven readers down and that began to hang on me to the point maybe this just wasn’t as fun anymore.

Let me just say, this isn’t meant to be a sob piece (too late) and this posting is meant more for me than for you really. The Nationals Inquisition isn’t going anywhere. I’m not giving up the blog and retiring it. Maybe one day, but not now. No, I am going to keep plugging along at my own pace and see if I can rediscover the blundering magic that made me want to do this in the first place. I want to take back control of the beast. I want to un-Beast Mode it.

So I appreciate you tolerating my drama, I appreciate you hanging around and I appreciate your patience as I work through some things. I’m going to start pumping out the material again and making this blog feel loved, but I’m going to do it on my own terms.

I’m going to have fun again– even if I have to dress in a bacon suit and shoot fireworks off while I blog to do it.

Your Nationals Dispatch: Shamrocks And Hamstrings Edition

Well, the NQ survives another St. Patrick’s Day. I hope yours went well. Ours was a little more on the down low this year than in years past. Not as much tomfoolery. It was just barrel of black beer after barrel of black beer. Shockingly the neighbors didn’t call the cops after we blasted the vuvuzela deep into the night.

The Nats played a St. Patrick’s Day Spring Training contest against the Florida Marlins to a 1-1 tie and they wore green hats doing it. It has to be the first time in three years the team got their “green on” for a St. Patrick’s game and I was upset the NQ couldn’t extend our Spring Training trip to catch it.

A lot of people bitched and whined about how ugly the green hats are, they see no point in them, etc. blah, blah, blah. Those people just don’t know how to have fun. I love the green hats and would love to see a green Nationals jersey for the occasion sometime in the future. I was disappointed in the selection of photos coming from the game. Either they were all taken from the side, too far away or I’m just tired of camera phones so we contacted the brilliant Cheryl Nichols over at District Sports Page and she graciously allowed us to use one of her photos from the game of Jordan Zimmermann.

Much better. Absolutely nothing wrong with the green hat. Not as hideous as some were making it out to be. Definitely not as ugly as–

Your Nationals Dispatch.

Bryce Harper Will Not Make It Past Florida’s Hot Gates – It was announced on Sunday that Nationals phenom Bryce Harper was cut from the main Spring Training squad and will be optioned to Triple-A Syracuse where he will learn to play center field and hit lefties. Though obviously a bit disappointed, Harper maintained a positive outlook on the decision and looks forward to being a “game changer” for the Nats in the future.

Absolutely correct decision, correct reaction, everything correct across the board. Harper is going to be a mega player for it and there is no need to start the FA clock a moment earlier. This news should greatly disappoint Yankee fans who will have to put their Harper jerseys on back order for another year.

Xavier Nady Was Brought In To Save Us All – The Nationals signed first baseman Xavier Nady to a minor league deal as insurance in case Michael Morse and/or Adam LaRoche can’t make a go of it on Opening Day due to languishing in lagging injuries.

Please God, let at least Morse return to some sort of health. A field that has both Xavier Nady and Mark DeRosa on might cause my mind to crumble and implode.

And From SB Nation D.C. – Me bitching about the amount of injuries the Nationals are sustaining this Spring, who the hell is responsible and what are they going to do if several of their starters aren’t there on Opening Day.

Answer: The hell that I know.

And that is Your Nationals Dispatch.

(Editor’s Note: I can’t tell you how giddy I am at finally having a National posted on this blog wearing something green on St. Patrick’s Day. It is like I can now scratch something off my blogging bucket list.)

Carlos Baerga Would Support Count Dracula If It Meant Statehood

Continuing to dive into the weird habits of former Washington Nationals players, this morning we are going to re-introduce you to Carlos Baerga and his hair. Or at least perhaps his baseball card which is one of the most bizarrely sexual and kind of disgusting cards we’ve ever seen.

Baerga played 93 games for the Nats in 2005 and has long since retired from baseball and became a broadcaster. Recently he put himself back in the news as probably the only Puerto Rican who is supporting GOP presidential possibility Rick Santorum. Santorum has been peddling his wares in Puerto Rico recently and Baerga has no doubt in his mind who he wants as President. Deadspin:

In a press release from the ex-Pennsylvania senator’s campaign, Baerga said he backs Santorum “because he is a Christian and has fought for the people of Puerto Rico for many years, and stands behind the people on the issue of statehood.”

 

“I am grateful to have played professional baseball in the United States, and I want all young people to have the same opportunity, and Puerto Rican statehood would make that possible,” Baerga’s statement continued.

Of course, Baerga makes no mention that Santorum supports Puerto Rican statehood only if Puerto Rico changes its official language to English so I am guessing Baerga has no problem crapping on his own country’s culture and history. A true man of the people.

Look, I’m not going to get into a political debate on this blog, but I do want to point out Baerga’s logic is somewhat odd. Plenty of people support PR statehood and almost everyone wants little Puerto Rican kids playing baseball, so did Baerga just latch on to the first person he could? I mean, Count Dracula was a Christian at one point right? So if Dracula came cruising over to PR on the Demeter and said, “Hey, I support your statehood. I want your children and virgins playing baseball– at night!” then Baerga’s logic would have him supporting the Count? I don’t know. I am just trying to think this through.

And yes, those are bananas. I didn’t have a Carlos Baerga photo because he was way before this blog’s time so I posted a photo of Rich The Mets Fan’s bananas that are growing on his Indiatlantic plantation.

Plus this whole story is sort of bananas as well, in my opinion.

Jerry Hairston Jr. Was Caught Blowing Balls Again

I am sure baseball players have an arsenal of scurvy cheats and short cuts they use to try to get the game to do something in their favor. I’m positive they do. It would be naive to think they didn’t. I’m sure they have some thrown together DIY handbook that they hide under the first step of the dugout steps or something and pull it out when they need a trick of the trade.

Jerry Hairston’s favorite cheat is perhaps ripped right out of that handbook.

On Thursday former Nationals benchman Jerry Hairston Jr. (now with Dodgers) was caught trying to “blow a ball foul” that was bunted down the line during a Spring Training game against the Royals. This is hilarious enough by itself (Deadspin has the video) if it wasn’t the first time Hairston Jr. tried to pull this stunt.

For avid Nats historians, you might remember back in April of 2011 in a game against the New York Mets, Hairston got caught dead bang doing the same thing in Nationals uniform. Just for your files: it didn’t work then and it didn’t Thursday. The guy sucks at blowing.

Which is sort of sad because Jerry Hairston Jr. is a blower. He is a chronic blower. He just can’t stop blowing. Mark my words, he will blow again. He blows. If he can’t blow, what else can he do?

(Photo from @KegsnEggs)

How Many Racing Presidents Can You Fit In A Mini-Van?

What better way to start off a Friday morning than with a little philosophy? Today’s question: How Many Racing Presidents Can You Fit In A Mini-Van?

Some fans shot some video of the Presidents either getting ready to steal a van or just getting ready to embark to another location to bring on that Nationals cheer. Incredibly they are able to get at least three of the Presidents in the little white sardine can.

Don’t watch this video if you don’t want the illusion of seven to eight foot tall Presidents running around broken. One of them sheds their costume.

It sort of proves reality kinda sucks.

The Graceful Art Of Straining Chien-Ming Wang’s Hamstring

Nationals pitcher Chien-Ming Wang has strained his left hamstring says the Washington Nationals. It happened this afternoon in Viera during a ST contest against the New York Yankees. In the third inning Wang made to tag first base to get a runner, but then wobbled and with the grace of a majestic wooly mammoth flopped over the first base bag sending the Yank into orbit.

I haven’t seen a Yankee go so high since Gettysburg.

That is a real crappy photo of the event above and Deadspin has the video. At this publishing it is unknown if and how long Wang will be out of action, but looking back in the medical history of the Nationals, a “left hamstring strain” usually translates to electric shock therapy and having that bear trap from SAW put on your head. So Wang is screwed.

Assuming Wang is out for a good length of time or his body is shot into space, does this open the door to starter John Lannan to possibly once again root himself in the team’s good graces? Maybe, but he didn’t do himself any favors Thursday afternoon as he was lit up by the Yanks and frankly I think Natstown has tired of him and he was already a memory on the back burner to most.

Another day another injury. If this keeps up Mark DeRosa will be the biggest name on the Opening Day roster knowing Washington’s luck. I am thinking of shipping what healthy Nats we have left to Cloud City to have them frozen in carbonite until Opening Day.

Then I can display them in my dinning room while alien strippers in chains dance for me while I feed my Rancor Phillies fans.

The Post You’ve All Been Waiting For: The Space Coast Ospreys

The NQ has been going down to Viera and Nationals Spring Training for five years now and we’ve picked up on the traditions and culture surrounding the Spring Training Nats experience. I think it was three years ago we threw a bone to the ospreys that make Space Coast Stadium home and we’ve done it every year since so consider this post a continuation of the tradition on reporting on the birds.

Yes, the majestic ospreys are still at Space Coast though they have moved- somewhat. Usually their nest is a large jumble of sticks, plants, bones and old game programs sitting in the lighting in left field. This year we were shocked to find the nest missing from the left field lighting and instead two nests were built, one in the right field lighting and one in the lighting down the first base line.

Not a whole lot of action going on in the right field lights but the ospreys seemed to be parking themselves in the first base line ones so I am guessing that is their new home. No idea what happened to the old nest, I just assume it got too large and the Viera winds claimed it.

My apologies if this post is of no interest to you, but I have to be fair. I have to throw our resident Ornithologists some stroke material every once in awhile.