Nats Falling In Standings Faster Than Tranquilized Bear

I promised you a bear this morning and I think the NQ has properly delivered.

Like bacon, bears are awesome and the only thing really stopping us from completely enjoying these epically delightful creatures (and this Internet sensation) is the elephant in the room and that elephant is the fact the Nats just got swept by the L.A. Dodgers, are on a four game losing streak and as you can see, the Nats have lost control of the NL East.

Hey, it is a long season. These things happen and it won’t be the last time the Nats will be on a losing streak, but damn if one thing doesn’t just jut out like a pool cue into your eye:

The sins of GM Mike Rizzo have finally caught up with the team.

The Bible says “Thou shall build a rotation worthy of His glory,” but at the same time it also says, “Thou shall not completely ignore the offense in the off season.” Obviously you have never read the Bible if you don’t already know this. It is in there. I promise.

I’ve been preaching this for quite some time.

There was simply no way the Nationals were going to be able to keep up that hot offensive force, especially with the likes of Mark DeRosa and Xavier Nady constantly being in your starting nine. When players like that are starting, you know the team has problems. Aside from a few pieces off the scrap heap and some recent rookie call ups, this line up is basically the same as the 2011 line up which had major problems putting the ball in play.

Of course, having Ryan Zimmerman and a host of others injured, guys like Danny Espinosa striking out faster than Adam Dunn blindfolded and Ian Desmond finally coming back down to earth doesn’t help either. Everyone is looking for the return of Michael Morse as if this will somehow solve all the Nationals offensive problems, but that is IF Morse can actually replicate his 2011 season of which there is no promise.

The 2012 Washington Nationals honeymoon is over. Now it is time to get down to the dirty gritty work of fixing things and working themselves out of their first rough patch of the season. How they respond will tell us plenty about the character of this team. It is easy to play the blame game and trust me, I know there are a lot of culprits (Gorzo, Lidge, Rodriguez, migraines), but if you really want to point the finger, point it at Mike Rizzo for the Nats and fans are only footing the bill Rizzo refused or was unable to pay in the off season.

As for the bear, someone asked why I post about bears so much. Simple. It is a life philosophy of mine that if you include a bear in any situation, life gets much more interesting.

Am I wrong?

Jammin’ Jayson Werth, Wanna Jam It With You

A combination of some recent Jayson Werth home runs, a hilarious Jayson Werth photo and a lot of Legend listening gave me the inspiration to jump on the Photoshop and have some fun. Yes, seriously. This image has been gestating in my mind for the past three or four days.

Bob Marley and Jayson Werth. In a hair battle.

Only on the Nationals Inquisition.

Here Is A Photo Of The Tattoo I Am Getting If The Nats Somehow Win It All

Do you want the good news or bad news first? We’ll get the bad news over with then.

The Bad News: Nationals dropped Thursday night’s game to the San Diego Padres 2-1 thereby ending their winning streak at four and once again exposing the team’s weakness of if you have good pitching, the Nats can barely hit it.

The Real Bad News: Something is wrong with Tyler Clippard. Blew the lead, blew the game, 6.00 ERA, might need new goggles.

The Good News: As some added incentive for the Nats to do good, I foolishly went on Twitter and said I would break my “tattoo law” by getting some sports ink, specifically a Curly W, but I am doing it one better and having the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders of the Lost Ark included. This stupid idea came from some guy’s awesome wedding cake and my favorite movie. The tat design was by Miss Natpenny.

So if the Nationals can somehow win the World Series in 2012, this fine piece of nerddom will be forever imprinted upon my body.

That actually could be good or bad news depending on who you are.

Dmitri Young Puts Comeback On Ice, Will Write Book And Help Kids Do Something

Former Washington Nationals first baseman (and swindler) Dmitri Young (hideous looking guy photobombing above) spent this past off season giving up the booze and cigars and losing 70 pounds of fatty in hopes of producing a Major League comeback. Well, no team was suckered into signing him so Young has returned to his post-career plans of writing a book, starting the Dmitri D. Young Foundation, hosting a bunch of baseball camps for kids and doing public speaking.

“I wanted to be a teacher growing up, as crazy as that sounds,” Young said. “I always wanted to show people how to do things that I knew how to do. I was always great in the clubhouse with younger players and helping them adjust to becoming a big league ballplayer. It’s always been part of my nature.”

I am willing to bet Elijah Dukes would have something to say about Young’s mentorship in the clubhouse. He’d probably say sweet things and buy Young a pie considering Dukes is in such a great place currently after stuffing his mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the police.

I applaud Meathook’s dedication to get back on the field and finally taking care of himself, but after he totally ripped the Nationals and Jim Bowden out of $10 million on a joke contract I am not surprised in the least no team took a chance on him. Oddly enough, I look forward to reading his book even though I have no idea what it is going to be about.

Will it be a fairy tale? A book about wizards or dragons? Maybe a cookbook?

I hope it has a lot of pictures.

Nats Photo Buffet Leftovers

While we sit around and bask in the glow of the Nationals 3-1 win over the San Diego Padres Tuesday night, their continued NL East (and National League) dominance and wondering if Ryan Zimmerman is going to have to contact Hospice– please enjoy some leftover photos taken by the NQ apprentice, Dr. W, from games from the past week or so.

Chien-Ming Wang Had An Affair And Was Held Hostage By Psycho Mistress

Deadspin reports Nationals starter Chien-Ming Wang held a press conference on Monday to confess and apologize that he had a lusty, in-a-fit-of-depression eight month affair with a young bartender who then turned around and held Wang hostage to the relationship after he decided to end it and she threatened to expose him and their love tryst.

I committed a big mistake two years ago. I dare not even ask for forgiveness to my family members and fans who have loved and supported me,” Wang’s prepared statement read. “Due to my one-time weakness, I’ve hurt my wife, family members and the third party, and I can’t find words to describe my indebtedness to them. The forgiveness and support shown by my wife and family have made me feel even more shame.”

The Nationals have had no comment nor do I think they will have one as they see this as none of their business. I bet Elijah Dukes is sitting in some Florida jail laughing and crying after reading that. Here is a Taiwanese news clip full of strange cut outs, dog pictures, blurred out eyes and huge lettering. It is a Taiwanese news clip, shockingly in Taiwanese:

Note to self: never watch Taiwan newscast while inebriated. It would blow my mind.

Ross Detwiler Had An Unidentified Oral Object In His Mouth Last Week

This one comes from the NQ apprentice, Dr. W, and the fact he is upping his game this season makes me wonder if I need to get a couple more apprentices because I’m kind of liking this whole Master of the Blog Universe role I am playing.

Anyway, last week he caught on that Ross Detwiler had some unusual object protruding from his mouth during pre-game warm ups and it was unusual enough that even the Nats announcers made mention of it on their broadcast. Dr. W caught several fantastic pictures of it and they are here for your viewing:

What the hell is that? We’ve been taking a poll around headquarters and the staff has guessed everything from a straw to a catheter although I have no idea what Detwiler would be doing with a catheter in his mouth. Our best guess is it is probably a mouth guard nibbled and chewed to near nothing.

Or maybe you already know. If you do, let us know because we are baffled and want to know the answer to one of the great mysteries of the Universe.

But hey, if it gets Detwiler wins we say keep it in your mouth, Ross. Still, it sorta creeps me out like in that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the snake slithers out of the mummy’s (who looks oddly like a wacked out Davey Johnson) mouth. God, I had nightmares as a child off that scene.

It has taught me to keep away from Egyptian tombs that weren’t meant to be disturbed. Because, you know, I always seem to find them every so often.

(All photos credited to Dr. W)

4/21/12 Marlins Vs. Nats Photo Buffet

Saturday was a pretty bad day (minus the Nats beating the Fish) for two reasons:

  1. It was Pups In The Park day at Nationals Park.
  2. I continue to not be my normal self so the doctor has put me on drugs and put me in an iron lung while having me ride strapped down in a centrifuge for three hours a day. Don’t worry. We will one day find a cure.

Fortunately, it is at times like these that I totally do not regret taking on an apprentice. Dr. W has been attending a bunch of games this season and has been sending in some pictures while I nurse myself back to health. Here is a photo buffet of Saturday’s game. I gotta admit, they aren’t that bad and his photo skills are improving.

Soon he will be ready. Soon we will finally reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have revenge…