Yes. That Is A Tyrannosaurus With Nats Hat In Mouth.

We at the NQ hope you are enjoying your Monday holiday. Of course, how enjoyable can it be when the Nationals lose 5-3 to the Miami Marlins? If it wasn’t for the amount of booze and barbecue sauce flowing freely around today then it might be downright unbearable.

But it happens. They can’t and won’t win them all. I can tell you the exact point this game went down the toilet. Bottom of the sixth, Jordan Zimmermann hangs a 3-1 pitch so Gigantor Stanton (or whatever they call him now) can put a two-run bomb over the wall setting off the giant Miami Skittle Machine.

I like Jordan Zimmermann. I do. But I can’t help shake the feeling he hung out with John Lannan and Livan Hernandez too much. Lack of run support aside, he seems that prototypical Nationals pitcher from 2008-2010 that have flashes of brilliance and some fine outings, but scattered a little too much in there are too many mistakes and outings you’d rather forget. Right now he sits in the third spot in the rotation and rightfully so because Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez are absolute freaks of nature, but I would not be against Zimmermann being moved down to the fourth or even fifth in line if the right pitcher were to step up. At least until he can figure to get his head on straight.

But that is ridiculous. It won’t happen and no one ever listens to me. But at least I have a Tyrannosaurus Rex on my blog. Not many can say that.

This Memorial Day weekend the NQ took a day off and went to Kings Dominion amusement park in Doswell, VA. We hit the water park, took in a few rides, checked out the babes and creepily followed anyone wearing something Nationals related. And trust me, there were a lot of people wearing Washington gear at Kings Dominion this weekend. Here are a couple photos of some of the fans we found. Enjoy.

So from my count, that is at least 10 Nationals fans walking around. Add those to the thousands that go to Nationals Park every game and I think you can safely say Chad Dukes is full of sh*t.

An Undressed Bryce Harper Is A Dangerous And Symbolic Thing

Sunday night was a beautiful night for baseball, especially if you were a Nats fan.

The Nationals claimed their first sweep of the season against the second place in the NL East Atlanta Braves by a solid score of 7-2. The sweep was well earned and its finale was showcased on Sunday Night Baseball on national TV. The sweep against a chugging Braves team was brutal, vicious and left no doubt which rooster rules the NL East hen house.

Starter Gio Gonzalez went seven innings giving up only two runs, striking out 10 and nailing down his season record to 7-1 with a 2.04 ERA. Gio also had a sac fly RBI and now leads the Major Leagues with 79 strikeouts. Ridiculous. Gio is easily the best off season acquisition and arguably the heart and soul of this new and rising Nationals team.

However, the NQ has to give the play of the night to another newcomer to the team, though a little more known: rookie Bryce Harper. With former Nats starter Livan Hernandez on the mound, Harper took an 0-1 pitch in the eighth inning and buried it 10+ rows over the wall. What symbolism!

An old, washed-up former workhorse who is still revered (puke) in Washington, who once was the old guard of Nationals pitching facing the new future of the team and the future gave the old guard a good kick in the ass. Harper erased Hernandez, totally erased him. True, in the sixth inning Hernandez struck Harper out (or “undressed” him as the crappy video above comments) but Harper came back into the game unscathed, more knowledgeable on his opponent and then made him pay.

Harper planted that ball right into Livan Hernandez’s Washington tombstone.

Just a great game forwards and backwards for the Nationals, minus Jesus Flores’ hamstring thing and Chad Tracy dinging himself up. I confess to being an absolute douche and writing a couple posts ago that I didn’t think the Nationals would be winning any series for the next couple weeks. Since then they have won each series they’ve been in (two). I have been served crow and I shall refuse the ketchup.

Oh, one final note: Fredi Gonzalez is a tool. Check out these comments after the game:

“There are no excuses,” Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez said after his team dropped to four games back of the Nationals. “Look at their [list of players on the] DL and look at the DL guys coming in tomorrow with the Cardinals. I’ll take my injured guys over [the Nationals’] injured guys because our guys are just a day here or a day there. Some of their injuries are significant.”

Thanks for making no excuses, Gonzalez. You sound like a guy whose team just had their asses handed to them– by a team who have more than half their starters on the DL! Your team could not even beat B-Squad! That is totally on you, bro. Stop hating.

I was certainly no fan of Bobby Cox, but at least that zombie had a little more sense and knew when he was beat.

Here Is A Little More Salt To Rub In Phillies Fans Wounds

The Washington Nationals put a nice 5-2 pounding on the Philadelphia Phillies and that old fart Roy Halladay– at Citizens Bank Park– in front of the Philly home crowd — what is left of it now that the bandwagon fans are all turning into Orioles fans– because that didn’t look like one of those fabled CBP sellout crowds– but I guess that happens when a rising rival takes another series from you– and your team continues to look like a bunch of jackasses…

In other words, it was sweet. Bryce Harper had a two-run triple against Halla-la-dee-dah-day.

Nationals, this meme is for you.

Livan Hernandez Is Sort Of A Dick had a great catch this morning of former Nationals starter Livan Hernandez (now with the Atlanta Braves) being a total dick to a Tampa Bay Ray ball boy. So what that means is the title of this post should be “Livan Hernandez Is A Dick” and not “Sort Of A Dick.”

The video is at the bottom of the Deadspin article, but for those of you allergic to online videos, basically during a Braves/Rays game last night a foul ball was hit down the left field line. The Rays ball boy went down on his knee to field the scorched shot, but he ended up blowing it. So he just humiliated himself in front of the 200 people who actually paid to watch this game and the 24 people watching at home. To make matters worse, as he walked down the line to retrieve the ball (and his pride) the Braves bullpen sitting nearby exploded laughing and taunting. The worst came from Hernandez who was nearly screaming at the kid and showering him in sunflower seeds.

To Hernandez credit (little as it is) he held up his hand for a high five to the boy to show it was all in good fun– for the Braves pen. The boy totally left Hernandez hanging in a beautiful moment no words were said, but the body language was enough:

Livan Hernandez, you are such a dick.

Kudos to the ball boy for making Hernandez look like an absolute loser. That kid is our Hero of the Week!

Hernandez is a dick. He was a workhorse for D.C. but I never found the hanging out with drug dealers, being financially stupid and paying to smack another man’s balls charming. However, I have no doubt Hernandez will do something for the bat boy off the field to make up for it. He will either buy him a fruit basket, give the kid drugs or something cool like that that will suddenly once again endear him to the Nationals fan base and having everyone beg for him to be a pitching coach or something in Washington when he retires.

So don’t worry, Natstown. Carry on.

I Ripped Some Nasty Wind And Then Strasburg Hit A Strasdinger. You’re Welcome.

“I’m sorry, ” I said to my wife, slightly hiding my face in hopes she wouldn’t recognize me, but knowing it was an impossibility considering we’d been in the car for three hours together and married for nearly seven years.

We were on our way back to home base from a wedding in North Carolina and I ripped a nasty fart in the van, I mean a real dead fish nasty one. On the list of “Top 10 Nastiest Farts To Ever Be Ripped Out of My Ass” this one would be an eleven. Close, but close enough. This one would gas cats. It smelt like some shithouse gas station bathroom and my poor wife had no idea what was about to hit her. And she was kind enough to drive the final leg of our journey too…

“For what?” she asked.

“You really don’t smell it?” I asked completely incredulous.


The stench at the point had reached epic levels of flatulence. I can’t tell you how hard it is to gag yourself with your own anus perfume. I suddenly screamed out it was a miracle that she hadn’t already passed out and run us off the road. I rolled down the window in hopes her senses would continue to malfunction before she learned the truth: she was surrounded by an invisible cloud of hot rainforest man-stench.

It was at that point my phone rang and it was my apprentice Dr. W calling from Nationals Park.

“TELL ME YOU FUCKING SAW THAT!” he screamed into the phone, into my ear and through my brain. I cringed not so much at the volume of his excitement, but at the fact I was on the road in the middle of bumblejumble Virginia in a 2003 Kia Sedona– how the hell could I see anything at Nationals Park? He then told me that Nats ace pitcher Stephen Strasburg hit his first career home run.

Fan video here.

I immediately rolled up the window and contorted my butt muscles to try and squeeze out another fart again.

Hopefully my wife would forgive me…

So I tore a magnificent gaseous rope out of my ass yesterday and Stephen Strasburg hit a Strasdinger off of Baltimore’s Wei-Yin Chen into the visiting bullpen of Nationals Park. Your welcome, Natstown. My wife and my whites took one for the team yesterday.

The Nationals avoided the sweep in the “Battle of the Beltways” by beating the Baltimore Orioles 9-3 on Sunday. The fictitious rivalry tiff pretty much went how I expected. I knew the Nationals were not going to win this series, but I knew they weren’t going to be swept either. Just because I say that doesn’t make me a bad fan. The O’s came into this series hot and riding high moral. The Nats came into this series with a plethora of injuries to their starters and they just finished playing two rough series against two crappy teams who took them 15 rounds. We knew this was going to catch up to the team eventually. It isn’t their fault. Injuries happen. But they still don’t have the depth that would keep them in games when these situations arise.

Unless we find Ponce de León and ask him where the Fountain of Youth is or nab a Lazarus Pit, I would buckle up, Natstown. It is going to be a rough next couple of series against NL East rivals. These teams know the Nats don’t have their big guns in the line up and they are going to try and strip the flesh off their bones. It could get nasty. Honestly, I don’t see the Nationals winning another series for awhile– but they won’t get swept either.

Of course, a miracle can always happen.

I’m going to go start farting.

(Photo credit to Dr. W)

Xavier Nady Has A #1 Fan– And He Wears V-Necks

Believe it or not, my apprentice found this guy or was already friends with him or whatever. It isn’t everyday you find a closet Xavier Nady fan, especially one who wears V-Necks or is called V-Necks. Dr. W’s report:

On Wednesday night I attended the Nationals vs. Pirates game with my friend Mike, or as I call him “V-Necks.”  The reason for this nickname should be fairly obvious; he always wears v-necks.  But on this night, he wore a normal shirt which was paved the way for a night of unusual happenings.  As I do with everyone I attend a game with, I call who I think will hit a home run.  Being a firm believer in the number 34, I called bomb on Bryce Harper.  V-Necks decided to live on the edge with his call and decided to use his call on Xavier Nady.
I have seen Xavier Nady go the distance before on Friday the 13th when the Nationals faced off against the Reds.  I was also fully aware that he had launched one deep the other night.  But let’s be honest, the guy was batting well under .200 despite his fairly consistent playing time during the pre-Harper era of the 2012 season.  And we all know that his playing during the post-Harper era of the 2012 season is a result of the injury of Jayson Werth a.k.a. Chewbacca.  Needless to say, I laughed at his call as most people would.  But my laughter quickly turned into utter amazement in the bottom of the 6th when I heard a pop off of Xavier Nady’s bat and watched the ball soar into the left field crowd.  I remember screaming a loud profanity as I watched that ball fly for what felt like an eternity.  I never thought this would happen; someone called home run on Xavier Nady and ended up celebrating his own victory off of his call being correct.
This man is, and will forever be, the champion of my home run game. Touche V-Necks, Touche!
Yes, there is a fan called “V-Necks” running around Nationals Park and even more bizarre he is an Xaiver Nady fan. They actually do exist.
Which means sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and the original line up for Guns And Roses also have a good chance of existing as well. What a world.

A Love Poem To Bryce Harper’s Triple

Call it a bit of “blogging hazing” but my apprentice Dr. W recently spent some time at the Park this week and along with having him take pictures and keep his eyes open for any sort of news tidbits, I wanted him to work on his writing craft.

So when Bryce Harper hit his first MLB triple I could think of nothing better than having the doc write a poem about it. I wanted a poem that screamed romance and was full of flavorful feelings, clouds, rainbows and golden brooks winding through the countryside. What I got was the type of poem you find on Valentines Day cards passed out at school. But you be the judge:

As daylight wore down, he prepared for the game

He hit two home runs in two games to earn him his name

He ran his laps with the bandage over his brow

He and all the Nats fans knew that his time was now

He is a fan favorite, one of our best

Arguably the greatest person to wear a Curly W on his chest

I saw his first game at Nationals Park and the first time he stole home

But neither of those are the reasons why I am writing this poem

In the first inning he stepped up to bat with determination on his face

With one out and the crowd going wild, he swung the bat and ended up on third base

This was his first triple and one hell of a way to show his might

He has again re-affirmed why it was love at first sight.

I’ve never wanted to make love to a triple so bad in my life. Sadly, I could never get past second base though.

Photo and poem credited to Dr. W.

Bryce Harper Black Label 2.0 Shirts Now For Sale– Again

Awhile back the NQ designed a shirt to show our support for Bryce Harper and our love for one of our vices, Jack Daniels Whiskey. We put the”Black Label” shirts up for sale in the NQ store and they were going like hot cakes before the company we were going through, Cafepress, decided to pull them due to certain rules and restrictions. After much debate and just utter disgust dealing with the company, we finally switched to where once again you can now score a Black Label 2.0 shirt.

To grab some swagger, you can visit our online store at Spreadshirt RIGHT HERE or click on our Shop The Inquisition image on the sidebar . You will notice the shirt is now cheaper which is always a good thing. Right now we just have men’s sizes, but we’ll have some other sizes and products up soon.

The old Nationals Inquisition Online Store is still available if you want to pick up some other crap to look cool at Nationals Park this season. The NQ shirts make great diaper wipes and tarps while at the same time they attract chicks like crazy.