Nationals Inquisition

Sweet Jesus. Did you– did any of you just see that? Holy cripes, what the hell was that?

This past weekend I was all set to write about baseball and how passing a kidney stone was 10 times better than reading anything by Jeff Pearlman when all of a sudden– white stuff. White stuff everywhere. About 21 inches of white stuff to be exact and it wrecked havoc with the roads, power and internet signal. I was so freaked out I had everyone down in the NQ bomb shelter organizing canned food and practicing foreign languages because I figured they finally did it and the U.S. was doomed.

Fortunately this white stuff, which I still haven’t found the scientific name for yet, has begun to melt and I can finally get back to doing what I do best: looking sexy without having people view me through a sheet of white flakes.

That picture is of the NQ Spring Training RV. A six foot wall of snow built up right in front of the compound after falling off the roof Saturday night.

This is your Dispatch.

Nats Sign “The Attitude” – The Nationals signed starter Jason Marquis to a two-year/$15 million deal. The 31 year old was 15-13 with a 4.04 ERA last season and the Nats hope Marquis will be able to be a veteran presence in the rotation. They also hope he brings a certain “winning attitude” that the team is in desperate need of.

When I think of “winning” I don’t think Jason Marquis’ name even hits my list. I usually think about guys like Muhammad Ali, the Pittsburgh Steelers or the guy at the bar that scores with the only hot chick in the room. Those are winners. Well, I hope Marquis really is the winner he thinks he is. I just hope he doesn’t try to score chicks in the locker room to prove it.

CAPP LOCK- Free agent reliever Matt Capps signed a one-year deal with the Nats Thursday morning which means there is going to be some hot competition between Capps and Brian Burney for the role of closer. The signing further solidifies the Nats bullpen which last season was compared to a wet noodle.

The signing also plunges Chicago Cubs fans into utter depression and continues their rule of the Loserdom Kingdom. I mean, cripes, a player chose a dead last team over a team that has the potential to make the playoffs.

Nats Might Sign Guacamole -  The Nationals are on the cusp of signing left-hander Eddie Guardado, otherwise known as “Everyday Eddie” by a bunch of schoolboys who think they are clever and giggle every time they say his name.

Not the most exciting signing in the world, but the Nats need to take help where they can get it. 2010 is going to turn out to be an interesting season if just by names alone. The roster sounds like some creepy Mafia syndicate with nicknames like Tony Plush, Everyday Eddie, Wee Willie Harris, The Beachball and The Donkey.

Strasburg Is On Topps – Pitching Loch Ness Jesus, Stephen Strasburg has signed an exclusive deal with Topps, granting the card manufacturer exclusive rights to his autographed cards, game-used memorabilia cards and a special line of autographed memorabilia. Strasburg will also be featured on Topps ads and other paraphernalia.

Good score for Strasburg. It is going to be nice for once to go to a card store and buy a pack of cards that has a member of the Nationals on the wrapper. We also hope this means more Nationals will be found in card packs. That is going to be so awesome to open up an 8-pack and get a Strasburg card instead of three A-Roids, two Derek Jeters and a bunch of no-name Phillies.