I don’t hide the beans when someone wants to offer me a cow. I don’t like the MLB All-Star Game. I think it is a ridiculous waste of time. The voting is always controversial and bad, half of who is voted in never shows up or plays and everyone plays like they don’t want to get hurt. Perhaps that is why this year MLB filled the time slot with endless commercials and movie trailers while prolonging the pain with various tributes to whatever they could think of so we wouldn’t actually have to pay attention to the game.
I am pleased to inform them: it worked. Somewhat.
Putting aside the game itself and Nationals reliever Tyler Clippard getting the victory after only facing one guy and giving up a hit to him, there was actually plenty to be entertained by. In fact, I can’t remember there being so many epic moments that didn’t actually pertain to the game itself before. Maybe I should start watching this mid season circus a little more often.
The Nationals Inquisition presents the Top 5 ASG Winning Moments That Didn’t Involve Tyler Clippard. These moments were so dumbfounding and bizarre, I am sure they will be with us for the rest of our lives…
For better or for worse.
5.) Heath Bell And The Kid Who Wanted Bell To Leave Him Alone - San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell is known for being a fun guy. Hell, he did a Todd Coffey run-in complete with slide when he came into the game Tuesday night, so it wasn’t out of character for him to sport a Yoda backpack full of baseball cards, signed balls and other fun things. Bell took some time during the game to go and sit with one lucky fan who seemed to not know who the hell he was, what he was doing there and why he was carrying a Yoda bag. The look on the kid’s face is one of confusion, dread and that look a kid gets when he thinks he is being approached by a candy carrying pedophile.
Look a little more excited next time, kid. MLB has ratings to think about.
4.) That Pool – A pool with bikini wearing chicks? Really MLB? It is bad enough the ASG is drowned in over-promotion, bad voting, commercials, movie trailers and endless honorariums. Do you really need anything more to take away attention from the game?
“And Tyler Clippard is coming into the game– HEY, LOOK! BOOBIES!” Win.
3.) Joe Buck’s Green Lantern Tie - Joe Buck was horrendous throughout the whole broadcast. His make-up job was something out of a 1950’s horror movie and his suit was not going to get the red carpet gossip that usually accompanies these sorts of things. But when he appeared on TV you had to hand it to him and his bright green, almost neon tie that made him look like he might be the Green Lantern or something.
Buck was trending on Twitter last night so I know I am not nuts making this #3 on this list.
2.) Brian Wilson’s Taco Bell Line-Up Cyborgs – Early in the game Taco Bell sponsored the line-ups for the NL team being read by San Francisco Giants reliever Brian Wilson, beard and all. He simply had to read the line-ups, the names of his teammates in order. It was something so simple a Kindergarten kid could do it, but Wilson took it to a whole new level talking about trades the Giants should be making and cyborgs.
Yes, cyborgs. I don’t know why because I didn’t see any cyborgs at any point during the night although I suspect by the way Bruce Bochy trotted out to the mound he might be one and probably controlled by the sinister Jim Riggleman. Hey, it could be true. It would explain why Riggleman actually has a job interview with the Giants this week. He holds all the puppet strings.
And the winner is…
1.) Justin Timberlake’s Beer Worship – Again, I have no idea why MLB would insert an interview with Justin Timberlake into the All-Star game. He doesn’t play baseball, he just wraps his dick in a box these days. But mucho respect to Timberlake for possibly hitting the air completely drunk and raving about how awesome beer is with Mark Grace who himself got tagged with a DUI a month ago. Grace totally played along to which only added to the complete “winness” of the whole segment. It will be hard to find video of this interview as MLB is already taking things down on Youtube and I doubt major media outlets will be replaying it a bunch due to the message it conveys. (Update: Deadspin has some footage)
A message of complete awesomeness.