I awoke this morning in desperate need of flesh. I was ravenous. I wanted nothing more than chunks of greasy, dripping meat between my jowls. I know humans can’t consume pork products really well and Jesus doesn’t like it when we do, but to hell with all that. I wanted bacon. Huge bowls of bacon that I could eat with a spoon. Sadly, I have no bacon. Just a can of Beenie-Weenies. It will have to do.
Victories in sport usually bring out the savage beast in me. I have a feeling that if I was alive during the days of the Gladiators I would have been full of bloodlust. There was plenty of victory in D.C. last night. D.C. United advanced to the CONCACAF Champions League and the Nationals, yeah, well the Nationals–
The Monkey Off Their Back - Or Fish. Last night the Nats made a stunning comeback against the Florida Marlins with a six-run 8th inning to beat the floundering flounders 6-4. It was the first time since 2007 the Nationals won a game with a four or more run deficit after the seventh inning. The win also halts the Marlins dominance over the Nationals that they have had since 2008. Prior to last night’s game:
- The Nats were 0-9 against Florida in 2009.
- The Nats were 3-23 in last 26 games against Florida dating back to the start of 2008.
- Florida was 10-1 playing at Nationals Park.
Stick that in your blowholes and smoke it, Fish. Yeah, it’s just one game, but who cares? The Marlins are the most boring team in the NL East. They play over their heads and end up with nothing at the end of each season. At least the Nationals are good at something: losing. But hopefully after last night’s spark, that will begin to change.
Injury Bug Infestation - Ryan Zimmerman sat out last night’s game after being plunked on the shoulder during the last game against the Pirates. The team says it’s nothing, but that usually means his arm and spleen will have to be amputated… Austin Kearns won’t be in the outfield again anytime soon due to a trip to the 15-Day DL for a right thumb contusion. Now that he finally got that thumb out of his ass, maybe that will improve his stroke… Due to Kearns being put on the DL, outfielder Jorge Padilla, 2009’s version of Rick Short, has been finally called up to the Big Club after 12 seasons. It’s a feel good story in the making.
Dukes Swallows - During the eighth inning last night Elijah Dukes suddenly went into some weird coughing fit and spasms to the point the team thought he was having an asthma attack. It turns out: he just swallowed a bug.
Dukes took a swig of water and ended up staying in the game. However, the NQ heard the rumor that D.C. Police are looking into the event and seeing if they can charge Dukes with such things as disturbing a public event, indecency and murder. The victim’s family could not be found for comment.
They Want Your Blood - This in from the Nationals:
The Washington Nationals will host the fifth annual Nationals Blood Drive in partnership with the American Red Cross on Saturday, August 8 from 8:00am – 2:00pm. It will take place at Nationals Park in the Nationals Park Conference Center. The Nationals have partnered with the Red Cross each season since returning to Washington for a blood drive in August; the 2008 drive collected 176 pints of blood. Appointments may be made by calling 1-800-GIVE-LIFE or visiting www.my-redcross.org. Parking is available for all donors in Nationals Park Garage C, located on the corners of 1st and N Street, SE. The Conference Center may be accessed through the Third Base Gate, located on South Capitol Street, SE.
This team wants our hearts and allegiance, now they want our life essence too? The Nationals are getting too demanding.