Elijah Dukes Arrested Again With Blunt In Ear And Pot In Mouth

It is baseball season again and all Nationals fan thoughts are on Florida. This is the time to think of oranges, green grass, alligators, Space Coast Stadium– and wondering if former Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes will get arrested again. I’ll give you one guess:

He did.

Dukes was pulled over early Thursday in Tampa after committing a traffic violation. The officer raced after Dukes, pulled him over and– well, let’s let the Tampa Bay Times take it from here:

Police said after the pulled Dukes over, they noticed a small bag of marijuana on his lap. He then tried to dispose of the marijuana by sticking it in his mouth as if he was going to ingest it. Then, after police removed the bag from his mouth and took Dukes into custody, they noticed a marijuana blunt “resting on his right ear,” according to the report. Dukes was booked just after 3:30 a.m. and was still being held at the Hillsborough County Jail Thursday morning.

Nice try, Dukesy. You failed at being a baseball player, a good father, a rap artist and a decent member of society and now you know you will never win a hot dog or chicken wing eating contest. This is such a horrible story. Can this guy fall any lower?

One thing is for sure: Elijah Dukes and Lindsey Lohan should never meet. It would be like putting together the Gatekeeper and Keymaster which would open the realm of Gozer the Gozerian.

(Special shout out to @Half_Street on Twitter. Outstanding at finding these former Nats bits of info.)

Your Nationals Dispatch: Mugshots, Millionaires And More Edition

I would like to proudly announce that the lovely Miss Natpenny and I are expecting our second little Nats fan this October. I can’t tell you how proud and excited I am. This news means three things:

  1. My seed is awesome. (Sorry ladies, you missed out.)
  2. The Nationals Inquisition now has potentially two who can inherit the blog so the NQ shall live on after I am dust.
  3. I can tally one more up towards my goal of populating Nationals Park with actual Nats fans when the Phillies come to town. As they said in Braveheart, “If you can’t force them out, breed them out.”

I might want a little help with No. 3. I mean, my baby making abilities are astounding, but come on, how about a little help here? I can’t do it all. I think it is very lazy and selfish of you leaving me here holding the diaper bag. But whatever. If you want something right you got to do it yourself. I’m a stud. I figure I’m good for three or four sections behind the Nationals dugout. I’ll leave the rest up to you guys.

Freak load of Nats news today, so let’s get to–

Your Nationals Dispatch.

Finally, They Are Doing It For The Kids - After five long years, the Washington Nationals finally broke ground today on a nine-acre baseball facility in Fort Dupont Park in D.C. At the “ground breaking” ceremony were numerous players, organization reps and even former Nationals manager Frank Robinson. The Youth Academy will serve as a baseball smorgasbord for inner-city children and will feature state-of-the-art fields, facilities and classrooms.

Do I really have to make some witty comment after this? Sounds like a noble cause to me. I just hope Frank Robinson didn’t fall asleep during all the speeches.

Nate Silver Uses Lazy Journalism Technique To Rate Nationals Park – The New York Times printed an article today ranking MLB ballparks from best to worst. Nate Silver is the chimp that put it all together and somehow Silver believes that Nationals Park is the fifth WORST ballpark in America. Really Nate? No, not really. You see, Silver, instead of having an ounce of journalistic integrity and respect for the job and doing his own research (like actually going to take in a game or two at the actual Park) relied heavily on Internet reviews of ballparks from other nameless people off of Yelp.com.

Jesus, that is so lazy and stupid. Does the NYT really waste time and money printing such trash? Yelp? If it is that easy to get printed in that rag then I am going to freelance and write a story about how my cat pooped outside his litter box. I’m sure they can fit it somewhere in their environmental or world events section.

Your Dispatch Is Brought To You By Shameless Plugs – My most recent SBnation D.C. article on Jim Riggleman’s job and his soon to be lack of and some fat chewing over on That Balls Outta Here blog.

Read them. They include polar bears and snozzberries.

You’ll Never Guess What Happened To Elijah Dukes – Yep, he got arrested. Again. Unfortunately it is not for wearing a red wife beater.

Oops, I said wife beater. Gotta be careful because I hear saying those words puts him in a frenzy.

No Sh*t? – The first round of 2011 All-Star voting updates came out today and guess what? No Nationals player is in the top five of every position for the NL team and no Nationals outfielder is in the top 15 which means $126 million can’t even buy Jayson Werth an All-Star berth.

I gotta lay off the Werth jokes. There are getting to be too many. Got to save them for a rainy day.

I Think I Just Felt A Drop Of Rain – So that means I can dish it out on Werth again. SI.com took a players poll asking players who they think is the most overrated baseball player out there. In the Top Five were three Yankees and one Red Sox player. The guy coming in at number four? Jayson Werth.

$126 million can’t even buy you respect from your peers!

And that is Your Nationals Dispatch.

Elijah Dukes Swears He Didn’t Have A Man Purse Of Drugs

I’ve come to the conclusion that Elijah Dukes is a character and he will always have his space on this blog. The troubled former Nationals outfielder is just too bizarre to ignore. Yesterday the Nationals Journal broke the story that the Tampa Tribune would be printing a story this morning about Dukes, who is now trying to become a rapper known as Fly Eli and wanting to come clean about his baseball career which includes some stories of wild debauchery with baseball players and marijuana on airplanes.

The story dropped this morning– and it is even more queer than originally thought.

Dukes claims Major League baseball blackballed him after he supposedly approached them and complained about ballplayers sneaking marijuana and cocaine on to airplanes.

Dukes – who played for the Tampa Bay Rays and Washington Nationals – says he was blackballed by baseball after he came forward last year with allegations that fellow ball players were smuggling drugs onto chartered aircraft, using drugs in hotel rooms after flights and how he would sometimes smoke marijuana before home games when he played for the Washington Nationals.”That is why I ain’t got no job right now,” says Dukes.

I had to stop there to tell you: it gets better. Okay, back to Mr. Fly–

Dukes says he smoked marijuana before some home games while he played in Washington. He says he was feeling peer pressure from other ball players and that other baseball players smuggled drugs onto chartered flights.

“I mean, guys always did. I never did it. But I know when we get to the hotel we were smoking good so it’s like we got to the hotel we were smoking good so you had to bring it. I know I saw people bring it, so it’s like the rules only apply for who they want them to apply for.”

The players, he says, would often smuggle the drugs in “their little man purses. I never did but but most of the guys carried their man purses, you know, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, you know.”

Actually, I have no idea what he is talking about. Gucci man purses? Louis Vuitton fanny-packs? Most people into that sort of thing carry their drug works in a plastic bag from Walmart so Gucci man purses are hard to visualize. Thank God, Dukes himself never carried a drug-filled man purse. He has such flawless character I might have thought less of him if he did.

Of course, the MLB is taking these allegations in stride because they are tickled pink and appreciate Dukes honesty on the matter:

Dukes says he told all this to Dr. Laurence Westreich, a psychiatrist who provided counseling to Dukes as part of Major League Baseball’s employee assistance program. Dukes says he told Westreich about the drugs because he was upset over having been tested for the two years following his own marijuana arrest –tests he says failed to detect that he was still smoking marijuana.

“The allegations made by Mr. Dukes are false,” stated Rob Manfred, MLB’s senior vice president for labor relations and human resources, in an email to the Tribune. “Dr. Westreich did not communicate any information from his conversations with Mr. Dukes to the Nationals or any other club. Despite well reported issues surrounding Mr. Dukes, Commissioner Selig has taken no action that would have affected Mr. Dukes’ ability to secure employment with a Major League Club. And, at no time did Mr. Dukes disclose to Dr. Westreich any information concerning drug use by other Major League players.”

Well, now that THAT is over…

Lets not kid ourselves: I can believe every word he says about other ballplayers smoking pot and doing cocaine. That junk has been around the game forever and to believe Elijah Dukes is the only player to put something in his pipe and smoke it is naive. What is more shocking is Dukes would come out this fast and this brutal about the inner-fraternity of baseball because if he wasn’t blackballed before– he is now. Jose Canseco would be proud.

In November Dukes was arrested and charged for not paying child support to two of his baby’s mamas. During his day in court he said he was retiring baseball to become a better father and to provide for his family. I can’t think of any better way than becoming a rapper. Seriously. Rappers are the pillars of any community they are in, especially when they are spinning their yarns about how Major League Baseball blackballs the common man, being picked on by Major League ballplayers, doing quantities of high quality drugs, man purses and how the police and the world are out to get you. Rappers know how to connect with children and the average joe.

“I got songs that’s gonna come about as far as the struggle I had to overcome about being a black athlete in Tampa, Florida,” he says. “I think Tampa don’t know how to treat athletes with the proper respect. They go after athletes like … an athlete is almost already condemned.”

Okay, Fly Eli. You go and wreck’em. Beat them down with your beats. Your pretty Fly for a high guy.

I bet he really does have a man purse.

Your Nationals Dispatch: Rainy Day Edition

I’m looking out the NQ periscope and I see this strange, wet, transparent crap littering the ground. I think it is coming from the sky. Jesus, it looks cold out there. I don’t look forward to walking from headquarters to my limo waiting outside, but fortunately I am wearing my blaze orange hunting jumpsuit. Actually I am wearing blaze orange head to toe, from hat to socks. Why, do you ask? I like to be the center of attention anywhere I go. Another reason? Because this is–

Your Nationals Dispatch.

Spring Is Almost Here – The Washington Nationals have released their 2011 Spring Training Schedule. The team will once again take over Space Coast Stadium (perhaps for the final year?) in Viera, FL. The Nats will have 30 Springtime contests, 15 of those will be at Space Coast. The Mets will be the Nats first opponent on Feb. 28th (away game), then play the Mets again for the first home game on March 1st. The Yanks come to Viera on March 12th and the Nationals finish off ST on March 29th against the Mets.

The NQ can now plan our Endless Spring Campaign with a little more detail. We’ll have some info about some changes we are doing to the plan in the next day or two. Just hold your horses.

Elijah Dukes Is In Trouble - Not that that is a huge surprise, but you might as well read about it because the Nationals Enquirer has a fantastic write-up and video of former Nats outfielder Elijah Dukes’ latest problems with the law. Dukes was in court in an orange jumpsuit (hey, he stole my fashion sense!) this week to answer for why he owes $74,000 in child support. With no job, little chance to get one outside of McDonalds and more time and money to spend in court, things are not looking good for Dukes who at one point said, “Jesus, I hate this.” Dukes told the judge he was done with baseball and wants to go back to school so he can provide for his kids.

I hate to rag on the guy, but he at one point had one of the highest paying, greatest jobs in the country, but he still couldn’t provide for his kids. Even with the league minimum could you imagine what any average joe parent could do with that money? Well good luck to him. In other news, we are insanely jealous the Enquirer scooped us on this story because we check Elijah Dukes news like every other day like a bad obsession. Of course we missed it. CURSES YOU ENQUIRER!

Bo Porter Is Now Third Base Coach – And Natstown rejoices like never before.

Adam Kennedy Was Declined 2011 Club Option – And Natstown rejoices like never before.

Yu Darvish Will Work For Food – Hyped Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish is going to make his services available for the 2012 season.

Start fantasizing Nats fans. Our fantasies are sadly all we have left.

Ted Leonsis Is King Of DC – Caps/Wiz owner had these words to say yesterday when a radio show questioned him on the progress of another team that wasn’t DC:

“Nope. I’ll never ever market our team and [ask fans to] come to our arena to see someone else play. I think we have enough stars that can shine, and I want to build total loyalty and empathy and love for our players and our franchise.”

I know it is DC hockey and basketball and not baseball, but I only mention it because: SCREW YOU, STAN KASTEN. SCREW YOU SO BAD. I hope the Nationals Front Office is looking over Leonsis’ shoulder and stealing notes.

And that is Your Nationals Dispatch.

Out Of The Doghouse And Into Our Hearts

The NQ is up in Northern Virginia this weekend to spend time with friends, family and to celebrate the first birthday of Little Miss DangerNat. It is great to be near the epicenter of the Nationals Kingdom. We’ve only just arrived a few hours ago and it is refreshing seeing Nats shirts, Nats hats and various Nats car bumper stickers and magnets. I’m sporting my Strasburg player t-shirt and I have gotten a lot of looks and have talked to a few fans wondering where it came from. Viera, my good friends, Viera, Florida and Spring Training. I can feel the love.

If you aren’t feeling the love or have never loved, don’t worry. Former Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes has got some for you.

Dukes reached out to the fan base through the conduit known as Bill Ladson and his “All Nats All The Time” blog and issued a message to D.C. and the Nationals:

I really want to tell the fans of DC, Jim Bowden and Mike Rizzo thanks a lot for helping me out in many ways. I really grew up a lot because of those two guys. I also want to give a hug to Harolyn Cardozo and Willie Harris for the time that I needed people the most. A special thanks to them.

Can’t really say anything about this other than: your welcome, Dukes. Good luck in future endeavors–

Okay, I lied. I do have something to say about this:

Saying you grew more mature thanks to Jim Bowden is like saying you learned how to hunt from watching Elmer Fudd cartoons. I’m just saying…

You Gone Dawg -UPDATED

In a very brief press release, the Washington Nationals announced that they have unconditionally released outfielder Elijah Dukes. Yeah, you read that right. Press Release:

The Washington Nationals today unconditionally released outfielder Elijah Dukes. Nationals Senior Vice President and General Manager Mike Rizzo made the announcement. The Nationals currently have 44 players in their big league camp.

This comes as a shock to at least everyone. No word on the exact reasons behind the move, but as soon as we know we’ll update this post.

Thus ends one of Jim Bowden’s last Frankenstein experiments he put into motion during his tenure in D.C. Dukes of course came over from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays with serious issues like throwing Gatorade bottles at women and texting pictures of guns to the mother of his children. He was given a strict zero-tolerance rule and even had the completely together and honorable Dmitri Young as an on-field/off-field mentor– sorry, upchucked in my mouth a little.

With a few exceptions aside (not paying child support), Dukes looked like he was on his way to rehabbing himself and turning that raw talent into a recipe for success. However, the team was seeing something else they didn’t like.

This move now of course plays God with several Nationals players. Who now will be starting in right field for the Nats? Willie Harris? Mike Morse? Ian Desmond? Josh Willingham is always an option and it looks like now he’ll be staying in Nationals uniform. Casting Dukes out now gives new life and hope to the careers of Justin Maxwell and even Roger Bernadina. So many options for the Nats now, it’s incredible. We’ll have to analyze all material.

As for Dukes, he’ll get picked up by a team. I just can’t see some team not playing the sucker. Dukes has some talent and it isn’t going to be without a home for long, but it just won’t be in D.C.

Anyone know Dukes’ number? I want to text him a going-away picture of a fruit basket.

UPDATE: Adam Kilgore at the Nationals Journal interviewed Jim Riggleman on the Dukes release and Riggleman says it was purely a baseball decision and not due to any off-field problems.

In the Galaxy of Cowboy Leatherpants, the reigning King says something different:

JimBowdenXMFOX: After latest incident, credit Nats for making the right decision. They told him zero tolerance and followed their word.

I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if JimBo’s sources are the pink elephants.

Your Nationals Dispatch: The Immaculate Adjective And Noun Edition

Stephen Strasburg_0025, originally uploaded by AZGIANTS.COM.

Looking at my calendar, I see it is just a little over a week before the NQ packs up the RV and heads down to Viera. I don’t know, it just seems so unreal to us that the baseball season is right around the corner and it’s even more insane to think how much interest is surrounding the Nationals camp right now. Rather than checking just two or three sources a morning, I’m checking more like ten.

These pesky Nats create so much work and drama for me. Especially on a Friday. I know you don’t want to hear my bitching. You just want to hear–

This Is Your Nationals Dispatch.

Strasburg Attracts Adjectives and Nouns – Pitcher Stephen Strasburg threw his third bullpen session Thursday in heavy winds and worked on his breaking ball. His workouts have attracted not only their fair share of onlookers, but a nice grouping of adjectives and nouns. So far words that have been used to describe Strasburg and his stuff: “amazing,” “pretty awesome,” “horse,” “stud,” “special,” “unbelievable,” “nasty,” “pizazz,” “off-the-charts good,” “great,” “incredible,” “tremendous” and “Nolan.”

If you don’t want to read all that, basically the shortened version is Strasburg is an amazing Centaur with off-the-charts good stuff named Nolan.

Dunn Is A Dangerous Lotus Flower – Looking to improve not only his skill, but his worth as a ballplayer, ex-outfielder Adam Dunn has started working on his footwork and all that comes with being a first baseman– and a ninja. Dunn took Jiu-jitsu this offseason to help him with his flexibility and stamina.

So begins a plethora of Adam Dunn jokes in the same vein as Chuck Norris. “Adam Dunn doesn’t pull balls out of the dirt. He pulls them out of the opposing player’s jock.”

The Wolf Has A Den – Manager Jim Riggleman says that if pitcher Scott “The Wolf” Olsen can prove he is 100% during Spring Training then he is a lock for the Opening Day rotation. The Wolf is coming off labrum surgery and has admitted he is only about 80% to where he wants to be.

His career is in his hands, Dude. Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: his career is in his hands, Dude. His career is in his hands.

Reptiles Can’t Even Survive Here- The Nationals worked out yesterday in 45 degree weather with a wind chill of 37. The Nats have their first full squad workout today from roughly 9am to Noon. Elijah Dukes arrived to camp, Livan Hernandez is expected to arrive sometime today and Cristian Guzman is away from camp for he and his wife are expecting a baby. Congrats to the Guz.

Are you serious? 45 degrees in Florida? I guess that is normal Florida weather. I think. I mean, how can they have Disney Ice Capades all the time if Florida wasn’t naturally a block of ice? I heard Orlando is up for the Winter Olympics in a few years.

And that is Your Nationals Dispatch.

Elijah Is A Conquistador

Nats outfielder and professional texter Elijah Dukes scored a payday yesterday as him and the team agreed to a $444,000 contract says Nationals.com. If the team did not come to an agreement with Dukes, the Nats could have renewed his contract before Spring Training. Dukes is eligible for arbitration after 2010.

Usually, this is the part of the post where I insert some crack on Elijah and his spotty past, but it’s 2010 and my New Years resolution was to lose weight so I threw out all the little bits of paper and napkin in my pocket that I scribbled notes and jokes on. Plus, I think the NQ is going to throw it’s support behind this guy this year, mainly because his mother storyline warms the cockles of our hearts.

Dukes came to D.C. amid a lot of fear and hope and while you can certainly see the raw-batter that makes a cake, I think it is safe to say Dukes hasn’t risen in the fiery oven of the Majors. In fact, looking over his stats, it would be easy to believe he is nothing but the product of delusional hype caused by a former drunken GM turned radio host. Add his proneness to injury, his habit of swinging at majority of first pitches and his off-field antics, it’s incredible to believe any professional organization even suited him up.

But he is here. I don’t know why, but the Olympians on the mountain made it so. A villain deserves every bit of flak he gets for awhile, but eventually a villain needs that window of opportunity for redemption. What he does with that window will mark his true character. 2010 is that year for Dukes, career wise and perhaps personally. Using his mother as inspiration and a goal, Dukes could very well be a conquistador this season. An animal. A storm. A ballplayer. One can accomplish much with something so personal riding on his or her back.

Michael Vick did. His life sucked before Virginia Tech and a few years later he is a buying a house for his mama. Of course, he also funded an illegal dog fighting operation which got him in the soup. The Vicks weren’t great at becoming role models. They went through the wrong window.

Let’s hope Elijah Dukes goes through the right one.

Elijah Dukes Might Be Lonely


Bill Ladson, THE ROCKET, reports that Elijah Dukes’ team babysitter has been dismissed due to Elijah Dukes being 25 and finally able to take care of himself and sign his own field trip permission forms. James Williams was hired by the team to “keep his eye” on the young, troubled outfielder and teach him not to do drugs, threaten women with gatorade bottles, text the mother of his children pictures of guns, pay his child support and generally not be an asshole.

James Williams, the person responsible for keeping an eye on outfielder Elijah Dukes on and off the field, has been dismissed by the Nationals. The move occurred during the last home stand at Nationals Park.

The Nationals feel that Dukes, 25, is mature enough to take care of himself. Since his return from Triple A Syracuse last August, Dukes has been media friendly and often talks about what he needs to do to get better on the field.

It looks like Elijah can finally put a stamp on an envelope and make those child payments himself. Kudos to him.

However, fair warning: I often talk about the monstrous size of my package, but that doesn’t mean my anaconda is really that big.

It’s actually bigger, but we’ll keep that a secret.