Nationals Inquisition

  

BLUE MAN GROUP, originally uploaded by Blue Man Group Brasil.

So last night I finally went and saw this James Cameron film, Avatar that everyone has been gushing about. It’s a sci-fi epic about humans warring with blue cat people. It cost me about $21 for two tickets and I have to say I didn’t get my money’s worth. I was expecting this revolutionary film with revolutionary technology, but when I got in there and put on the fancy little glasses, I realized had seen this already years ago, once in Chicago and once in New York.

It’s called the Blue Man Group.

I rather would have stayed home and blogged naked. So that is what I am going to do now.

Blog. Naked.

Orlando Hudson Is A Tease – Orlando Hudson says progress is being made between him and a team and a deal, but he would not say what team exactly that is. According to our files, the Padres, Indians, Mets and Nationals have all at one time or another been linked to Hudson although the Mets might be out of the running because they can’t unload their other second baseman because no one wants crap.

It’s another baseball mystery. I know what to do. We need to slap a deerstalker hat on Phil Wood, stick a pipe in his mouth and let him run around the Nats locker room trying to unravel the clues because you know, the Nats locker room is where it all happens.

Mark Lerner Abuses Optimistic – Mark Lerner talked to Bill Ladson via e-mail about the State of the Nats and remains optimistic for the 2010 season. He is so optimistic, he tries to use the word everywhere he can in the interview.

I think he is trying to tell us something.

Bad Baseball Team, Bad Music – The Dave Matthews Band and the Zac Brown Band will be playing at Nationals Park on July 23rd. It is the second concert to be held at Nationals Park, unless you count the visit by the Pope so it might actually be the third. I heard the Pope rocked the joint.

Ugh. Really, DMB? One of the most overrated bands in history. Only in America can you sing about eating and satellites to the beat of music that you’d kiss your sister to and still your called an “artist.” They need to bring cool acts to Nationals Park. I’m thinking exhuming Jimi Hendrix and the Rolling Stones and bringing them in for a show is a great idea.

Ronnie Belliard Is Fat – The L.A. Times reports that former Nats infielder Ronnie Belliard has been resigned by the Dodgers– but only if he weighs 209 pounds or less during some point in Spring Training. Belliard played a role in the Dodger’s playoff run last season, but the team is concerned about his weight and what added weight might do to his production. So it is lose it or lose it, for the one Nats fans called “Belly.”

I don’t know why people want him to lose weight. Fat people make life so much more entertaining and make people feel better about themselves. I see that fatty Ronnie Belliard walking down the street and I’m like, “Maybe my life isn’t so bad afterall. Thanks Ronnie Belliard!”

We took the day off yesterday because we had worked so hard the whole week on the Blogger’s Day material, so we spent some time with our families, did some shopping and relaxing. At least I did. I told my staff they could leave on R&R only after they played and fed my new group of genetically enhanced guard gators that I keep in the other room. These gators have their DNA crossed with genetic material from  a wolverine and Steven Segal. How I accomplished this feat, I will not bore you with. Too technical. Too nerdy.

All I know is, I haven’t seen my staff this morning.

I did pick up Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition for five bucks at K-Mart yesterday. This event has seriously caused me to think about never buying another DVD again. I think my collection finally has reached the pinnacle and after Nerds, what other DVDs do you really need? So while I was enjoying hair pie and watching these dorks run around trying to take over the Greek Council from the evil Alpha-Betas, of course the Nationals provide a bevy of news material that completely wipes out my Monday morning.

Don’t the Nats know the seventh day is lazy?

Broomed – Over the past three days the Nats were swept by the St. Louis Cardinals, saw the return of Pete Orr to Major League Baseball and witnessed every weakness, hole and rotten spot the team needs to fix. It was like some sort of clinic in baseball badness.

That would explain every time GM Mike Rizzo goes on record saying, “We are only a few pieces away from being good,” men in white coats carry him off in a strait jacket.

Belliard Bounced – Nats infielder Ronnie Belliard was traded to the LA Dodgers for Minor League right-hander Luis Garcia and a player to be named later during last night’s game against the Cardinals. The move is a good one for all parties involved. The Nats get an injection of some young talent and Belliard gets the hell out of D.C.

The only thing the Nats will be really missing in Belliard is wild hairstyles.

The Journey Begins – The newest member of the Washington Nationals, pitcher Stephen Strasburg began his journey to the Majors yesterday as he had a short workout in Viera, FL. He spent the day introducing himself and working on the intricacies of covering first base, fielding a bunt and starting a 1-6-3 double play with Minor League pitching coordinator Spin Williams.

Sonic booms were heard throughout the day, but NASA denies any missions were active that day. They did however, confirm the source of the shocks were from a pitcher’s mound in Viera. Oh come on, if we are going to sensationalize and hype the kid, we might as well go all the way.

Team Hodge-Podge - Nationals will be waiting another week to make September call-ups due to the end of Triple-A Syracuse’s season. Look for possibly Collin Balester, Ross Detwiler and Ian Desmond to get the ringy-ding-ding… outfielder Austin Kearns’ future is uncertain and no one seems to know what to do with him… shortstop Cristian Guzman’s feet hurt so Justin Maxwell gets the call up to massage them. Or play baseball.

I’m not sure if that has been determined yet.

No, that “#” sign in front of Nats isn’t a mistake. It’s some sort of strange code for Twitter which I am finally learning about so I thought I might it apply it here to be clever and to get used to it. The NQ has 51 followers now which is cool, but it is weird because half of these followers want me to go look at their naked pictures. Considering I myself am mostly naked when I post to this blog, I feel I have enough nakedness in my life. I told you this blog was sexy.

The Washington Nationals did something they haven’t been able to do that much all year and that is they beat the Double-A Pittsburgh #Pirates 5-3 yesterday. This was actually amazing in itself considering Adam #Dunn was out of the line-up on rest, Austin Kearns was put in then taken out of the line-up with some terminal thumb cancer or something and Ronnie Belliard played first base. That seemed a line-up destined for disaster, but they were able to pull it off due to some clutch hitting from Josh #Willingham and Alberto Gonzalez. Thank God.

I’m bored at Headquarters today and don’t feel like doing much work, but I did want to point out three things that might interest you:

1. Behind The Story With Nyjer Morgan – The #Natstown blog has a nice little write up, a sort of Nyjer 101, on one of Natstown’s newest and most valuable residents. Also has some behind the scenes photos of a photoshoot for Inside Pitch magazine. Gotta love the one with him in #Caps uniform.
2. Chico On Situational Hitting - The Nationals Journal examines the haunting stats of the #Nationals situational hitting or lack of. This trend they ain’t bucking.
3. Rizzo Wants To Fill The Target – The response in Natstown about the moves made at the trade deadline is overall anger and disappointment. In an apparent attempt at some weird sort of make-up sex, Interim Mike Rizzo says the Nationals are going to be active well after the deadline and into the off season. He drops Orlando Hudson’s name which is unfortunate because now that Hudson knows the #Nats are targeting him, he will probably go into hiding.

Okay, you know what? I feel bad because I lied to you.

I can always go for more #nakedness.

Have you heard that joke where you are doing something wrong and all of a sudden someone shouts, “Jesus is coming! Quick! Hide!” 

Of course you have and of course at one time or another you did dive under the bed  for fear the Lord will see you touching yourself. And that is okay. It is only natural and a completely normal thing. My point is, I took the day off yesterday because frankly I knew we are nearing the mystical yet mythical Trade Deadline and all I needed was a bunch of Holy Moses’ spewing crackpot rumors and telling everyone that “They have let their people go.”

Sort of like this nutball who was in the Nats Park Plaza last week. All you need to confuse and aggravate a bunch of people is a staff and Internet connection. Take Chico Harlan from the Nationals Journal for instance. Yesterday he riled everyone up with a premature report that Josh Willingham was suddenly pulled from the line-up 45 minutes before the Nationals 7-3 loss to the Brewers (they split the series), but it ended up being Willingham was being rested for some sort of neck pain. But for about 10 minutes Natstown was about to tear itself apart in both anger and celebration.

It’s crap like that I can’t stomach all day. It’s not that I wouldn’t trade Josh Willingham, I would, but the trade deadline has never been too kind to the Nationals and usually it’s because of their own doing. Some of the biggest blunders have been made on this day that have been the cause of a lot of current pain for the franchise and exposed the front office as the rinky-dink playland it is. The largest was the failure to trade away both Dmitri Young and Ronnie Belliard at the 2007 deadline. Instead we signed both to contracts larger than what they deserved for their fluke year and now we have a guy on roster who can’t hit but has interesting hair and the other is overweight and hasn’t had a Major League at bat in almost a year as he collects the final $5 million dollars on his $10 million contract. But I said I wouldn’t mention him again and I won’t. The second failure was the ability to pull the trigger on a trade for Alfonso Soriano in 2006, this mainly due to the team never having a player like him before and the pressure of the fans, media, and yahoos came before logic. He was never going to stay in DC, even the most basic of baseball fan knew this. So it brings sorrow to my heart every time I think of what the team could have possibly gotten if they did unload his selfish ass. I am happy with the compensation in the draft, but still. You have to wonder.

The Nationals always seem to have hot pieces at the deadline, but never have been skilled or had the balls enough to capitalize. This is a glaring failure on the GM and front office. And here they are again, in 2009 with more than one piece that could be possibly made to turn into gold and with a few hours away from the deadline, no moves have been made. Lord knows they have been trying. The Rockies denied a Joe Beimel for Eric Young Jr. trade says Rotoworld.com. That would have been a smart trade if it happened. A fleece too because who are the Rockies getting? Joe Beimel? Pshh.

However, history looks to repeat itself. I am not trying to push this team into a trade. Some of the pieces I would legitimately keep if the right price doesn’t come along, but you have to remember: you can’t make an omelet without eggs. What that means is, don’t expect a yummy 2010 campaign when you didn’t make the necessary moves to make it yummy. Just the same, if the team doesn’t move anyone and goes into next season with pretty much the same line-up, I wouldn’t expect different results either.

I don’t care what the burning bush said.

Daniel Cabrera, originally uploaded by Larry Coor.

Sports shouldn’t be played on the West Coast. All sports. Not only are the witching hour start times a disservice to those on the East Coast, but the West Coast teams are usually good, but never win anything so they are really nothing more than movie versions of books– or so the staff member who gives me that metaphor says. I wouldn’t know because I don’t know how to read or write.

Back on topic, nothing good comes from sporting events on the West Coast and this is true for the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, it is also true for them on the East Coast so the Nationals find themselves stuck in a bit of a box. The Nationals dropped last night’s game to the L.A. Dodgers 10-3 in perhaps one of the worst pitching performances of all time.

Starter Daniel Cabrera had some luck going into the fifth inning before he imploded and became “Little League Pitcher In Man-Uniform” guy. He got so shockingly bad, you were sort of waiting for him to suddenly jump towards a photographer with his hands all out in front of him, smiling and yelling, “Surprise!” Wait, he kind of did, didn’t he? The bullpen couldn’t help him out much either, a common and miserable storyline that has been written into the 2009 Nationals script since the beginning.

Mike Hinckley had a 3-2 wild pitch to Orlando Hudson that had a 2007 Matt Chico wild pitch flair that walked in a run. It should become another Washington Nationals laughing point in the future. Thanks, Mike. Haven’t the fans suffered enough at the hands of their bar mates?

Not much positive came out of this game. Going into it you had that “sense” the Nationals were setting themselves up for a fall. The Dodgers were undefeated at home and looking to make history with most consecutive wins at home for them. The Nationals had to fly across the country to insert Ronnie Belliard into the starting line-up so not only were they tired, but they were also out of their minds.

But Ryan Zimmerman’s hitting streak rose to 24 games. That’s good.

Hey, when you are 7-18-1 (Houston game to be determined), you gotta take what you can get.

Ronnie Belliard was benched and fined during yesterday’s game due to oversleeping and not showing up on time for the Nationals pre-game stretches and workouts. The Washington Times has the goods:

Belliard was slated to be in Washington’s starting lineup for only the sixth time this season, but he overslept and arrived at Nationals Park after his teammates had already started stretching at 10:30 a.m.

“He just overslept today, [but] a rule’s a rule,” Acta said. “He was apologetic about it. He went through what everybody has gone through when they are late here. But no hard feelings because he has been real good and a solid citizen on and off the field for us for three years.”

A solid citizen on and off the field for three years? Acta must either have a short term memory or smoking a lot of grass because he obviously doesn’t remember Belliard getting in trouble for a fan altercation while playing for the Tigres del Licey in the Dominican Winter League in ‘08. No matter. I’ve thrown plenty of objects at annoying fans during my time attending games too. Nothing is more fun than throwing candy corn down the back of  a Andruw Jones jersey of some little kid Braves fan. The tears are priceless, like diamonds.

I guess the excitement of earning a huge paycheck and playing in the greatest game in the world isn’t enough for Ronnie Belliard to get out of bed for. I’m sure if he heard that strippers were serving breakfast at 7am at the local McDonalds he’d be out of bed all groomed and primped like he was going to accept the Nobel Prize or something.

Good one, Ronnie. Thanks for caring. Cal Ripken Jr. would have kicked you in the nuts.

After former National, Emilio Bonifacio hit the first inside-the-park homerun on Opening Day since 1968, I quickly made my way away from the computer, radio and television and to Slainte Irish Pub for a pint, though I was doubting I could stomach it. The shock of the Nationals Opening Day against the Florida Marlins was just too much. I needed to collect my thoughts.

On the first pitch of the season, Nationals lead-off man Lastings Milledge took the pitch and was an easy out in almost 0.3 seconds. A bad omen. From there, Fish pitcher Ricky Nolasco dissected the Nationals line-up. Adam Dunn and Ronnie Belliard fluked plays in the field. Ryan Zimmerman had two throwing errors and went 0 for 4. John Lannan pitched probably one of the worst Openers in recent memory and looked like he was about to break down in tears during his post game interview.

It gave this Nats fan the shakes. Impossible. How could have this had happened? We knew this team wasn’t going to be earth shattering, but no one expected for them to pick up where they left off in 2008, not with the improved line-up and John Lannan on the mound. An inside-the-park homerun? And by a guy the Nats just traded away no less who had a career game? EPIC EMBARASSMENT.

What made it all the worse is I kept track of the game on the scoreline off of that shameful YES Network where I watched former National Ryan Church have a good game and Felipe Lopez hit two home runs in the Diamondback Opener. Adam Dunn finally hit a homerun for the Nationals, a three run shot in the sixth. But so what? What does that do when your pitchers give up a combined 12 runs? That certainly doesn’t solve the problem when Steven Shell gives up a Grand Slam to Hanley Ramirez.

The beer sat rotting in my stomach and I got rattled again when the sorority chick bartender couldn’t figure out that Michigan State and Detroit were in the same state. I paid my tab and left to get home in time to see the game come to a close. The Nationals add one more loss to their history, 12-6.

Embarrassing is being too kind. Too many mistakes, too much impatience and a line-up that is more of a riddle than it is an answer. Lastings Milledge lead off? Nick Johnson batting fifth? Ryan Zimmerman still batting third? Ronnie Belliard even in the line-up? Do they just draw names and rabbits out of a hat? Preposterous. The game was lost just as much by the coaches as the players, but make no mistake: Nationals you sucked tonight and you need to rebound from this horrid afternoon quickly– like tomorrow.

The only positives to this game are 1.) It’s only one game out of 162. 2.) The Nationals scored six runs. Last year they would have been shutout or would have lost by 10 instead. 3.) And most important of all–

Their new away uniforms looked sharp.

With much pleasure I just finished watching Saul Rivera finish off the Atlanta Braves and give the Nationals a 6-3 ST victory. Beating the Choking Tribe always brings a smile to my face. It has done much to settle my nerves because lately, I have been under a lot of stress for reasons I cannot explain directly. I am not sure of their cause.

All I know is I think it has something to do with the Nationals offense and Cary Elwes.

Tonight’s line up consisted of pretty much the Opening Day line up minus Jesus Flores and John Lannan. Collin Balester was going on the mound once again to try and prove he belonged and the Nats starters hadn’t been producing much in terms of offense lately. I went into the game with bad vibes and sure enough, by the middle of the fourth inning the Nationals hadn’t had one hit off the Braves Kenshin Kawakami.

It was during those first innings that I actually put my attention elsewhere, mainly finishing my thesis on actor Cary Elwes. Elwes is a suave British actor most notably known for his roles in The Princess Bride, Robin Hood: Men in Tights and SAW. His charming looks, rapist wit and hair smothered in hair gel probably have lured more than his share of women to his bed and his dedication to his craft is nearly unmatched in today’s day and age. It was around the time the Nationals scored their first run that I started to crave more Cary Elwe flicks than I had ever before. It was a strange and terrifying feeling.

Thankfully, this adventure into the recesses of cinema did not take place because the Nats picked it up in the sixth with Elijah Dukes slamming home two RBIs on a double and Nick Johnson picking up one of his two RBI of the night. Anderson Hernandez suddenly left the game with a strained hamstring, Ronnie Belliard came in and drove Dukes in after he stole third… the game had suddenly become entertaining again so I put the thesis aside. Cary Elwes would have to wait. This is what happens when a team has offense. By the end of the game all the Nationals starters had at least one hit except for Hernandez, Javier Valentin, and Lastings Milledge. Milledge was God awful again, going 0 for 5.

I have determined that if you want to save time and resources, you do not go to a Nationals game and wait for the first pitch. No, you take your time and wait so you arrive around the sixth inning. The Nationals tend not to turn on the juice and play good baseball or score runs until around that time. It’s good information to have, especially if you have other things to do.

Like writing a thesis on Cary Elwes– for no reason.

According to legend, an elephant graveyard is the instinctual place where sick and old elephants flock to die. They push themselves miles upon miles, some of them already dead, but still walking, never stopping until they reach that repository of leviathan death. Huge rib cages sticking up in the sky, vultures picking at dry, elephant jerky scraps and degenerate poachers looking for ivory so they can feed their drug addictions and fund wars. But that is all elephant graveyards are, fiction and legend or so I have been told.

Obviously no one has been by Space Coast Stadium recently. That stadium is becoming a graveyard of a different kind, the kind where Nationals players flock when they instinctively know they are about to be damaged and on the spoil. It happened again last night during the Nats 7-5 loss to the Marlins.

Ronnie Belliard turned his ankle while scampering past first base and had to be helped off the field. Then Lastings Milledge somehow entangled himself with the Fish’s first baseman while racing down the line, their knees collided, women in attendance fainted at the horror, and Milledge limped off the field like some sort of cast out Quaismodo.

Yes Nats fans, the injury bug has come out of hibernation.

Both Belliard and Lastings are expected to be back within the week, but that makes it no less worrisome to the DC loyal. Flashes of 2008 easily penetrate the mind and all those exercises learned in AA meetings are quickly forgotten. They join the current list of wounded: catcher Jesus Flores (elbow), outfielder Wily Mo Pena (shoulder), shortstop Cristian Guzman (cut on toe/athlete’s foot)–

Wait, what? Athlete’s foot? Are they seriously letting these guys sit out for athlete’s foot? Cro-Magnon man weren’t paid millions of dollars, but they still ran barefoot over hot volcanic coals and cactus infested deserts to hunt down and slay the mighty Mammoth! Come on, Guzman! Pour some iodine and whiskey on that thing and get out there on the field!

Honestly, if the Nationals escape Florida with only these injuries it will be an absolute miracle and it wouldn’t be the worst way to start off the season. It would be a travesty to have all the vultures and poachers scavenging around Nats Park where flocks of Nats fans instinctively came to die.

Or because they had season tickets.

Awhile back we mentioned that we were going to feature more baseball card related items on this site. We also mentioned we picked up Ronnie Belliard, Elijah Dukes and Willie Harris cards out of some packs of 2009 Topps cards from Target.

Well here they are. We finally delivered. You can’t hide Belliard, Dukes, and Harris in your closet for long. They get sort of irritated.

I started to get texted pictures of food, water, hair gel, and guns.